Is there anyone out there.

Life just at times is a lonely place. Is there really 1 person for each of us. I  ready to find them. I strive to be perfect but always fall short. I want someone to care for me and Leah. Am I asking to much?

Strive for perfection

I want to be perfect. Maybe if I become perfect then I will be wanted and needed. I want to be loved. I've made some major mistakes over the last couple of weeks and I regret them so much. I wonder why I just can't get it right. Leah is my world she deserves a family and a father. Did I do the right thing? Should I have given her up for adoption?  I feel like I am the world's worst mother. I just want stability and love. That's the most that anyone wants. It's lonely right now. 

Lost

So I need to clear my head. I worked out for awhile. Walked and account for all my calories. Worked off more than I consumed. I may be off the radar for a bit. Ttys. 

Hopelessly forgotten

I sit here and write this and I could utterly scream.  I look at myself in the mirror and I want to throw my fists at it and smash it.  I want to just break everything.  What is wrong with me?  Why am I so unlovable, unwanted, and horrible?  Why can't I ever make anything work? I had myself sick all day.  I finally figured it out I know what to do now and how to fix it.
I was asked to report on the NFL hall of Fame Inductions.  I am excited but I look at myself in the mirror and I see every flaw.  I need to loose weight, I've let myself go and I can see the fat that is building up on my body from being lazy.  I can't go to something like that fat.  I want to be a reporter an on air personality, I can't allow myself to be lazy. I exercised today.  We spent about 3 or 4 hrs at the gym.  It felt amazing.  A total rush.  I needed that.  I can control it.  I made sure to watch the calorie burner because I needed to burn off the big breakfast I had eaten.  I think that is what had me sick.  I have been eating to much.  I am a foodie I admit it.  I love food.  Chocolate is my utter weakness beer and whiskey and even some vodka.  None of those are acceptable foods.  No wonder why I have blown up to blimp proportions.  I have been eating like a grazing cow. 
I guess depression does that to you.  Why do I let it seep in? Why do I allow it to overcome me?  I'm not the victim anymore.  I can overcome this and I will.  I vow I will lose that 10 extra pounds by August 2nd.  I need to look my best.  This is my future.  No more food. I just need to nail this to have something to say I did right.  G-d knows I can never get anything right, but this I will.  I won't be a beached whale at this ceremony.  I will look killer. 
I will not look at the past only my future.  Get thin get famous and no looking back

A flurry of confusion.

My brain is confused. I'm sad. I'm numb. And now I'm drunk. I think at times alcohol makes the pain go away. I don't know buy it makes me at least a bit giddy. I want someone to hold me. Tell me everything will be ok. Rub my head and just be with me. I want to feel a connection with someone anyone at this point. To know I exist to know I am

Worthy of a love. Fuck. I miss my mum. She may not have been very loving and caring but she had good advice. Fuck I miss her so much. Why did she have to be so selfish?  Couldn't she see I needed her? Leah needed her?  Somedays I hate her for leaving us. Other times I beg G-d for one more day. Why couldn't we be enough for her?  Why did she have to leave us?  I tried so hard to be the best for her. To show her how much she meant to me. I just wanted her happy. Why the fuck did it have to be like this. I dunno what to do anymore. My heart tells me one thing my head another. I just wish I knew what to listen to. I need my mum more than ever. 

My heart is a mush a mess and I just want to know what to do. I can't sleep and I can just cry. Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Utter confusion.

My mind is at a loss. I cared about someone who obviously doesn't feel the same for me. I'm learning to let go and move on slowly a part of me has died, but I'm hoping that someone can help revive those deadened pieces. My life has been so empty and useless at times. I would have given the world for it to work out. I know he doesn't care but deep done I do still love him and still care. I just wanted to hear him admit to the things he did and be honest with me. Instead the blame was layed upon me and my illness and my fight to sort out my emotions. Now add to that I have someone else who basically never fought for us trying to get me to see we may have a chance. Plus this whole new thing. I'm utterly confused and sad. Yet someone else I would have given the world to whom refused to acknowledge my existence with his loved ones. I want to be cherished showed off talk to an loved. I'm not asking much. 

Than there is Leah she never stops making me smile. Thank goodness she has been in my life. She gives me pure unconditional love. <3

The grimness of reality

    Life has been so busy for me.  I have gotten out of the hospital, traveled to Israel, Traveled back home to England, and found myself back in the states.  Currently I am in Canada with a dear friend and trying to put the pieces back together again. Sometimes you unduly put to much stock in another person.  You make them almost like a superhero in your eyes and mind.  You put all your focus into them, wanting them to love you, care for you, and just be there for you. Sadly it never ever seems to work out that way.
    Miss Leah and I have seen many sights and are enjoying life.  The truth is all things is, I lost focus, forgot who I was and where I have come from.  I put my faith and trust in another person, only to have my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on.  To make matters worse it feels like at times it is still being stomped on and twisted into the ground.  I can't make another person happy, I am finally seeing that.  They can only make themselves happy and in essence they become a better person and everyone around them feels the love and joy exuding from them and around them. I want to be like that.  I can't create happiness for others but I can for myself.  I can not put blind faith in another person.  Every single time I do I am the one left behind struggling to figure out what it is that I did wrong and what is wrong with me.
    The spiraling begins and I am out of control, finding fault in everything I do.  Seeing that ugly, fat, unlovable girl in the mirror.  And than it begins the cutting, the purging, the feeling lower than low.
  I admit I succumbed to the cutting recently.  No one really knows the extent except for those who were with me.  To be honest I truly think if I had been alone, I wouldn't be here right now writing this.  I felt abandoned, someone that I truly and honestly cared for broke my heart and my hopes.  A person whom I had given up so much in return all I wanted was his love.  I wanted a future, more children, and a loving and caring partner.  I just wasn't enough.  I ask myself, why do men cheat?  Why do they promise you things they never intend to fulfill? Maybe some day I will find that perfect someone.  But, the pain and agony of finding out no matter what you could never do enough is taxing on the soul and the mind. I became so numb that I wanted to just die, end it all right there.  So as usual I gave in to the temptation and just cut.  I watched the blood roll down and felt this release.  It was cleansing in a way.  All the bad feelings were gone and I felt something.  I got scared it was bleeding bad and wouldn't stop.  I guess I passed out.
    My friend found me and he saved my life.  I can never thank him enough for that.  So I ran away and came to Canada.
   Now for some good news.  I love Canada it is amazing.  I have to admit I love to say little slang like aboot and eh, although I am told it is funny hearing it with a British accent.  
    Of course all of you know my heart and soul is my precious Miss Leah.  I am told she has pretty much caught up to those that are her same age.  She is still on the smaller side but getting bigger every day.  I love my time with her she amazes me.  She makes me laugh at times I want to cry and always knows when I need a snuggle.  I was truly blessed to have her given to me.  Being entrusted to care and raise her has also shown me how important getting better is for me.
   I am focusing on letting things happen as they will.  I am no longer obsessing about being in a relationship, if it happens it happens, if not well I have Leah.  
   So that is my check in.  I hope to be getting on and blogging more.  So many things are happening in my life and I can not wait to share them all with you.  
 
 
 

Hero

Watch "Hero Enrique Iglesias - Lyrics" on YouTube
This song amazes me.

Life! I don't understand it!

Sometimes life is utterly confusing. I just don't understand thing. I feel so much pressure to be a certain way and do certain things.  My head is in a constant state of crazy. Who am I? What do I want?  I don't know anymore.
My whole life has been the same. I open up let people in and they leave. No one ever stays. Why would the want to. I'm completely and utterly fucked up. Why did the Drs do so much to save me? The world would be such a better place without me anyhow. I'm getting tires of this lonely life. I'm sick of feeling disconnected from the world. I just want to be happy. I wish I knew how. I want someone to stay to be there for me. To know me as much as I know myself. I am just slowly slipping into the abyss and I am afraid there is no one to catch me this time. 

Taking time to be me....

So many people can not fathom what it is like to be in the hospital for an extended period of time.  Isolated, alone, scared, and depressed, treatment is one thing but actually being ill and fighting through to get your strength back, your life back, is another completely different thing.  I am happy to say I am doing well.  I have a minor cold, but, I am fighting along.  This weekend with my daughter made me see that all the pain and suffering was worth it.  She is my shining star and my reason for living.  To hold her, smell her, watch her laugh and smile showed me that there is this whole wonderful, new, and exciting world waiting for me when I get out of here.  
I am currently working on a business plan, something that will solidify our future.  Something that will help me to succeed on my own and not rely on anyone but me.  I have always been an independent person, but at the same time I have always needed someone to define who I was.  I need to define myself, love myself, and take care of myself.  I can't focus on the what ifs or anything other than the here and now.  Getting better, being with my daughter, and making a place for us in this world.  March, 10 is around the corner.  I'll be out of here and knowing that I am on the road to complete recovery and for the first time in a long time I have hope.  Hope for the future, Hope for my life.  I can not and will not allow anyone to take that hope from me.  I need to focus on me.  It may sound selfish, but those words ring true.  I have heard so many things, rumors, gossip, messages from friends in my time here and I was letting it eat me apart.  I can not do that anymore.  Some of my friends complain they don't hear from me well I am sorry but I have been healing and sick and trying to work out my own inner demons.  
My therapist and I have been discussing this quite thoroughly lately and I finally get it.  I can not continue to justify, or prove myself to others.  I have to do what makes me happy.  I have to be me, live for me, and be happy with who I am.  No self doubts, no self pity, and no self hatred.  Stress is not my friend right now.  I know this and I have to move on from it.  People may think I am a bitch and an ass, not my problem.  I can not or ever will be able to help how people feel.  The only thing I can do is be who I am.  I can not make others happy, they can only do that themselves.  I need to make me happy, that is something within my control. 
If you don't see me on social networking it may be that I am busy, living.  Focusing on building a solid foundation for me and my daughter.  There is so much life out there for me to live, something I forgot about when I was going through so many things this past year.  I stopped living, I allowed the inner demons to take control of my life.  Talking things out has helped me.  It showed me I can not take others feelings and place them onto myself.  It takes me into a depression and causes me to judge and worry.  Trust is an issue. I have to learn how to trust again.  Yet, I am finding that so hard to do lately.  I do not know who to trust.  I don't know who is being honest with me and who is as you say blowing smoke up my ass.
So I have decided to take some time and just be me.  Focus on my healing.  Focus on getting stronger.  Smiling more.  Enjoying time with my daughter.  That is what matters most right now.  My time spent developing the bond I was unable to do when I was ill.  Becoming a mum and learning every detail of my daughter.  She is the most important thing in the world to me.  Maybe this time of being me will open me up and show me who I can trust.  Who are the people who honestly care, who are the ones that have been undeniably honest with me and those who just said whatever.  I have lost so many friends throughout this battle.  I just need to focus on the here and now and remaining positive in everything I do from here forward. 

Finding the meaning in life

All of us are looking for that thing that makes us who we are.  I always thought for me it was success in all things I attempted doing.  It wasn't until this weekend I finally realized what it is for me.  Being a mother.  My little Leah makes everything better.  Her smile, her laugh, everything about her simply gives me the want to fight and push on.  To face my demons and make myself a better person. For her, I will be a better person.  I am embarking on a business venture with my father.  I am not releasing details of it yet, because it is still in the works.  It will be exciting, It will be amazing, and it will be awesome. I am so excited.  I am ready to move forward with my life.  I want to be the best mum I can be.  Everything will fall into place after that.  No more stressing about things.  No more letting people get to me.  I know I can not change overnight but I am putting everything into getting stronger and getting out of here.

Long night

My head is spinning with so many thoughts. I am a weak person I know that. I've proven it time and time again. I'm working on it. Hopefully sleep will come to me soon so this thought process stops. I want some peace. To dream. I want real dreams not nightmares. I'm obsessing and shopping. Ugh. These feelings. I thought they were gone. I am trying so hard to do the right thing. But, what is the right thing?  Is it what's right for me or for those around me?  Should I be selfish? I've done that already. It didn't work out well. Should I let it be?  I have to admit, I'm jealous and angry and hurt. Yes I scratched myself. It helped but wasn't enough. I want more. Why do I need to do this to feel relief?  It's like an addiction. No one gets it unless they have been there. I just want things to be the way they used to be. Why can't I fix this?  I hate that I let a little snotty bitch of a girl get in my head and make ne doubt things. I hate her. I don't think I have ever truly hated someone before but I hate her. It is the highest level of hate I have ever had towards another human being.  I almost lost my daughter because of her. The selfish little attention seeking part. The one who made me doubt everything. The one who in the end won.  She got what she wanted. I hope the little cunt is happy. Happy that she devastated me broke me destroyed it all. I do hope I get a front row seat when the karma bus hits her fuck let me drive it. I have a few on my list. 

Plunging

I sometimes wonder if I'm a glutton for punishment. Di sabotage myself. The nurse was just in I have a fever lovely. Just what I need. Not only that but I went out on a limb. I did something for someone and now I don't know if it was the right thing to do. Money can not ever and will not ever buy happiness. I'm watching my father sleep in the cot. It amazes me he could be in a bed yet he is here. Its a bad night. I'm second guessing and questioning myself. I hate that. Did I have alterer motives for the choices I have made. Do I set myself out to be hurt on purpose. Tonight the urge to cut is so bad. Just a few cuts.  Nothing major. Superficial scratches. Something anything to dull the pain I'm feeling. I've cried. It doesn't help. I need a release. I need to just do something I don't know what though. I've prayed. I don't like this I don't want to succumb to the urges. What do I do?  I just feel so alone.

Come back to me

Watch "Come Back To Me-David Cook" on YouTube

This song has so much meaning to me at the present time. Go check it out. Happens to be on of my favorite artists. 

A tribute to Busby's Babes

I know the anniversary was yesterday, but this video took me so much time to do.  I am learning new software and it is also a very sad story to research.  I hope you all enjoy this.  It was a small labor of love.

Jumping to conclusions

I think we all jump to conclusions.  I know I have a lot in my life and it has cost me so many things.  When I looked at my stats yesterday, the emotions that went through my head were of hurt and anger, I chose to allow that hurt and anger to envelope me instead of actually looking at the positive. Out of the thousands of views to my page only one search resulted from that Internet hoax search.  I actually typed it in to the search bar myself and one of my posts did come up and it was the one where I was ranting away my feelings.  I sometimes think lack of feedback or comments cause me to view my site as nothing than a personal diary.  But when I see that is has been viewed in 7 or more countries by a few thousand people, that gives me hope.  It gives me hope that maybe a young man or woman out there has seen my writing and it maybe has helped them deal with their own inner demons.  Maybe it made them think twice about inflicting self harm or injury to themselves.  Maybe it gave them HOPE. That is my eyes is all that truly matters.  The one or two people who want to disbelieve me, go right ahead.  That is perfectly fine it is your God given right to judge or question.  None of us see each other.  We don't get to sit and talk one on one.  These are mere thoughts and words set to the net for the world to see.  But, this is my story, my journey, my path to a better me and enlightenment you could say.  I will not allow a person I do not even know to hamper my improvement, my ability to see myself as I am.  To stiffle  my creative thought and hamper me in my path to personal well being. I have taken a long road to get to where I am and I am so ready to move onward and upward.  I am ready to live my life.  The last few days my creative juices have been flowing and I have come up with so many new thoughts and ideas.  I want to report, I want to do something to enlighten the world on sports.  Not just oh Tim Tebow is so cute or RVP is a hottie, I want to give people a true love of the world of sports I see.  The naysayers and those who want to believe their own twisted perception of life, will finally see I am who I claim and I will not allow them to bring me down.  A dear friend put it best to me last night "Don't let something like this stop you" he continued "It takes a lot of courage to express yourself in an open way putting yourself out there, and I know first hand as a blogger myself. Sadly there are all kinds of people out there whose intent is to hurt others" "I'm going to blog because it's my outlet of self expression and Fuck anyone who thinks I','m fake or a hoax.  It's their problem because I know the truth and I have a number of folks supporting me. If you stop blogging, then you have given up to these douche bags"  Those words whether this person knows it or not helped me tremendously.  It showed me that I matter, THIS matters.  I bare my soul in this blog and it is a way for me a journey of self discovery and also a way to reach out to people who may feel or be going through the same things.  I took the things 1 person out of several thousand did and allowed it to affect me.  I need to learn not to do that I need to focus on the good.  So I will blog still and hopefully someone, somewhere out there is getting what they need from this.

Everything must come to an end

I think this page has run it's course.  I think it is time to just call it quits to me writing.  Funny thing blogger tracks how users find your site.  Can you imagine my horror to find out that people are typing in Internet hoax + my user name to find me.  If that is all I am to people reading this than I no longer need to write this.  I no longer need to be visible to anyone or anything who would deem me a hoax or a fraud.  I've never ever asked anyone for anything.  I wrote from my heart, about my personal struggles in life.  My journey to overcome them and my journey in life.  I opened up about things I never have to anyone one a very personal level.  I am hurt, angered and feel completely betrayed.  Something I did as an outlet has been turned into something that makes me question everything and everyone in my life.  So I am shutting this down.  Closing it and never looking back at it again.  The humiliation that I feel right now is indescribable.  I thought I was doing something good.  I thought I was helping someone who may be in the same situation as me.  I wish that were true. I can see that for over the last year I have been nothing more than a joke for people. I wish I could have help someone out there but I see now that it wasn't met to be.  I just need to work on me and I need to move on with my life and find another outlet to express my feelings, maybe someday I can truly help someone face the demons I have faced and continue to face.

Starting over

Can I truly start over.  I think I need to. I need to start over find myself. The unforgivable thibgs I have done go well beyond that right. My only hope is he finds the happiness he deserves and I simply survive. I simply raise my daughter to be better than me. I can't turn back time and fix it. I can just try to be a better person. 

I'm a jerk

I am.a horrible person. I hurt the one person who was always there for ne with lies and deceit. I.doubt the atonement for this sin is part of why I am sick it's my punishment. I can't take.back what I have done I can't fix things but I hope at the end of this atonement is ny death. I hope I suffer immensely for what I have done to the person who cared with no conditions ans whom I stomped on and basically broke all trust. If you're reading this he did not a thing wrong I did. My anger and jealousy cause it all. Abs I can never suffer enough. ill

Desolation

Watch "Pearl Jam - Black (Unplugged 1992)" on YouTube

I started the arduous task of physiotherapy. Trying to work my muscles and strength. I have atrophy from the weeks and months I've spent here wasting away. I am letting everyone down. I'm trying so hard to be there for everyone. Do the right things. It just doesn't seem to be enough. I wish I was enough. I wish people would just understand things and have faith. I just can't take it anymore. I feel torn I need to get better but when I do that I feel like I am.letting people down. Why does it have to be so hard?  I've lost some weight they said. The Dr thinks it's the stress of physio and the work I am doing. I've lost my appetite things were going so well why do they have to change. I guess no one really knows.

Does this even help

I sit and wonder why I write all my feelings out for the world to see.  Does anyone truly care?  Has this even helped a single person?  Is it worth it to keep going on like this?  Ugh my brain is a mess tonight and I just am wondering is it worth it anymore.  I don't think anyone reads this at all.  If you are out there let me know.  Maybe I will stop writing this all together.  I dunno maybe it is a worthless cause.  And no one out there could give a rat's ass.

Why????

I just don't get life sometimes.  I don't get the way my head works.  I don't get why you have to suffer to be stronger.  Why there is so much loneliness involved in our inner battles.  I just am hurting.  I am hurting so bad.  A deep down hurt.  My head is swallowed in this mass of confusion and pain and I only feel myself sinking lower and lower into a pit of despair.  I want things to be the way they are supposed to be, but it seems like things keep getting in the way.  How can I express myself to someone when I do not even know how to figure it out myself?  How can I reassure them of things?  I know what I want and I know I have a long road to achieving that.  It is so hard.  I want to be normal.  Sometimes I think disappearing would be my best option.  Than no one would have to worry about me.  No one would need to be concerned.  I want to run away.  Music, Music is my outlet it speaks to me I am sharing with you two today.  That speak to me.

Lost and scared

I am just at a loss I really don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like this whole world is out there and I am just forgotten.  Nothing seems the same anymore.  I just do not know where to go from here, what do I do.  I want to be whole, I want to be special,  I want to be the person who comes first.  No more little secrets, No more being hidden away.  My mind is this vast area where I just cant seem to make sense of anything.  My therapist tells me to let go of everything from my past.  Everything from this past year.  She thinks me just going somewhere new and starting all over on my own may be the best thing for me.  I really don't know.   Will it be.  I am not good at doing alone.  My heart is broke my hands are trembling and I just can not sort out the feelings in my head.  Maybe she is right.  Go just be me for awhile forget about everything and everyone and just be me.  She tells me I can not love or let someone love me until I love myself.  Hmmmm interesting concept.  I don't think I know how to love myself.  Is that possible.  When I look in the mirror I do not see someone worthy of love.  I see a failure, let down, disappointment and ugliness.  I just once want to see something different.  We worked some today on body image.  We took a washable marker and outlined the areas I feel need changing.  Well I was a big red road map, the only area I didn't feel needed changing was my nose.  Oh that was already I told her I had a nose job as a teen.  She told me until the red lines go how can I expect anyone to love me for me.  To truly love me the way I want.  I have to first look inside and love myself.  How do I do that?  I don't think I have ever really loved myself.  How do you start?  What if you never do?  Am I destined to become my mother in every way?  Always forlorn weeping for the children she lost instead of the one she had here?  I don't want that at all.  Is there anyway I can be fixed can I learn these things?  I need hope is it out there...

Alone

Being alone can be a good thing.  I mean I'm in a room full of people right now yet I feel utterly and completely alone. I just lay here sometimes pretending to sleep. Other times with my headphones on listening to music. They want to plan my whole life. They have it all figures out. Wish I did. I just want to disappear. Become invisible. Non existent both physically and mentally.  My depression is back. I'm gaining weight. Getting fat. I find I'm counting calories of every morsel I put in my mouth. My normal. I have this obsession with being perfect. I am far from it. I'm selfish and high maintenance.  How can I expect anyone to deal with that?  People only look at the outside no one ever looks at what's inside. I wish they would. I don't think they would see the sane things about me. They would see a scared self loathing little girl. Who is obsessed with not being exactly perfect. I want more then that but it's all I got right now. I just want things to be the way they used to be.  I know I can't go back but I want to so much.

Just thinking and wondering.

What is happiness.  Do we truly know.  Maybe somewhere, some place out there, happiness has a completely different meaning.  I am told I should be happy, yet why am I not?  I just stare out the window watching the world go by.  Is that happiness?  
I know some wonder why I haven't blogged in awhile and I am sorry.  Life got real and it hurts.  Why do we make the choices we make.  More importantly what do we do with the consequences of those choices.
I have made a lot of stupid choices in my life.  I have done and said things I totally regret.  I lost my mother and I can not remember the last time I told her I loved her before she died.  I've tested my body to the limits and still that was not enough I had to go further.  Why?  What good did it do?  It has sent me further and further into isolation, desperation, fear, denial.  I don't trust anyone.  Everyone has motives, they want money, fame, notoriety, beauty, someone to make them feel better about them.  I just can't do that anymore.  I find myself going inward much more.  Do I really want to continue.  Do I want to go on.  Why?  What is the sense of it?  My mind is my worse enemy.  Will I ever be able to be happy to truly smile again.  
I have found myself avoiding everyone more and more.  Sleep is my friend and my enemy.  When I sleep my dream are not ones I care to relive. When I am awake I just can't bear dealing with anything.  I dunno maybe it will get better, someday.  I just at this moment do not feel I deserve much of anything.  I just want to run away and hide.