Long night

My head is spinning with so many thoughts. I am a weak person I know that. I've proven it time and time again. I'm working on it. Hopefully sleep will come to me soon so this thought process stops. I want some peace. To dream. I want real dreams not nightmares. I'm obsessing and shopping. Ugh. These feelings. I thought they were gone. I am trying so hard to do the right thing. But, what is the right thing?  Is it what's right for me or for those around me?  Should I be selfish? I've done that already. It didn't work out well. Should I let it be?  I have to admit, I'm jealous and angry and hurt. Yes I scratched myself. It helped but wasn't enough. I want more. Why do I need to do this to feel relief?  It's like an addiction. No one gets it unless they have been there. I just want things to be the way they used to be. Why can't I fix this?  I hate that I let a little snotty bitch of a girl get in my head and make ne doubt things. I hate her. I don't think I have ever truly hated someone before but I hate her. It is the highest level of hate I have ever had towards another human being.  I almost lost my daughter because of her. The selfish little attention seeking part. The one who made me doubt everything. The one who in the end won.  She got what she wanted. I hope the little cunt is happy. Happy that she devastated me broke me destroyed it all. I do hope I get a front row seat when the karma bus hits her fuck let me drive it. I have a few on my list.