Fear

     Sometimes I sit and wonder, am I truly meant to ever be happy?  Is my life every going to change? As far back as I can recall I was always sad.  Never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, Jewish enough.  I've tried so hard to be all those things.  It seems it all escapes me really.  Things were going well and I thought my life course had finally taken a turn for the better.  I should by now know better.  My awesome job, my wonderful opportunities to do the thing I so wanted to do, my chance to cover the olympics, all those things just came to a screeching halt.  My daughter was born so early so tiny.  I look at her and thank G-d he chose to allow her to live. Then my world crash when they told me I had leukemia. They said and easy treatment it was found so early.  Little did we know that my body would yet again deceive us all, something it seems to do quite often.  

     I am trying so hard not to get in the mindset of poor me, but sometimes it is very hard. I feel isolated and so lonely.  No one can truly understand the things that go through my mind, it is so hard to explain.  I want to be, just be the things I was supposed to be, the things that it seems keep slipping through my fingertips, I get glimpses of them, visions of hope, the veil is sometimes lifted for a moment of time, showing me the things I want, making me believe that I can have them.  Than, reality hits, the veil is again closed and I am back to where I was, alone, sad, and just losing hope.

     Hope is something I treasure, it truly is all I have right now.  Without hope, I would not fight to live, fight to be healthy.  I need that hope.  When I seek into the pits of depression, hope is the light at the end of the tunnel, it helps me climb out and continue to live.  Somedays it is harder then others to have that hope, to see it, to find it.  I see hope in my precious Leah's eyes.  It pushes me it makes me want to live.

      All I have truly wanted was to be accepted.  To be accepted by my family, to have friends, to not be so different.  I fought who I was for so long, out of fear of rejection, fear of being set apart, the fear of being different.  I always was so ashamed of being jewish.  Why?  I come from a line of very strong people, people who survived.  My grandparents, mum's mum and dad, survived the concentration camps in World War 2.  My father's parents survived the fighting in Israel.  The all found their way through.  Why I ask myself would I be ashamed of that?  Yet I was so fearful.  What was I afraid of?  The judgements of people I did not know?  Who are they?  I embraced who I am as a woman and as a Jew.  It has not been an easy path.  Living in the United States prejudice is so rampant.  Anti-semitism is like a religion.  I have been spat, kicked, stomped, ridiculed, I have had personal property and even my synagogue desecrated.  I do not understand it.  Why so much hate?  Ugh, well it looks like I went off on another tangant but, it has been one of those days.  Just needed to get it out.  As always Love & Light to all of you!!

Lost and afraid

These are the facts
Every 4 minutes someone in America is diagnosed with a blood cancer. Every 10 minutes, someone dies from it.
Leukemia is a type of cancer that develops from blood cells produced in bone marrow.
An estimated 43,000 people developed leukemia in 2010.
Lymphoma refers to blood cancer that develops in the lymphatic system.
An estimated 628,000 people were living with lymphoma in 2010.
The blood cancers leukemia, lymphoma, and myeloma make up almost 1 in 10 cancer-related deaths in America every year.
The cause of leukemia is unknown, but studies have found that risk factors include:
radiation
exposure to chemicals like formaldehyde
smoking
drugs with alkylating agents
genetic conditions such as down syndrome
Leukemia causes about 1/3 of all cancer deaths among children under 15.
The expected survival rate for the blood disease Myeloma is 39%.
Leukemia is the most common cancer in children under 2


I have Leukemia it has not responded to the traditional treatments I need a bone marrow transplant or I will not survive. I know this and it scares me I have a rare blood type which makes it that much harder to find a donor.


Here are some facts:

Myths and Facts about Bone Marrow Donation

Every year, more than 10,000 patients in the U.S. are diagnosed with life-threatening diseases such as leukemia or lymphoma, and their best or only hope of a cure is a transplant from an unrelated donor or cord blood unit. The need for transplants is increasing. Medical advances are making transplants a treatment option for more patients of all ages than ever before.

Below is information from Be the Match to clear up some common myths about bone marrow donation. To learn more about joining the Be the Match bone marrow registry, visit their website.

MYTH: Marrow donation is painful.
FACT: General or regional anesthesia is always used for this procedure. Donors feel no needle injections and no pain during the marrow donation process. Afterward, most donors feel some pain in the lower back for a few days or longer.

MYTH: All marrow donations involve surgery.
FACT: There are two ways to donate. The majority of donations do not involve surgery. The patient’s doctor most commonly requests a peripheral blood stem cell (PBSC) donation, which is non-surgical and outpatient. If the patient’s doctor requests marrow, marrow donation is a surgical procedure, usually outpatient.

MYTH: Pieces of bone are removed from the donor.
FACT: Pieces of bone are not removed from the donor. In marrow donation, only the liquid marrow found inside the bones is collected. In a PBSC donation, cells are collected from the bloodstream in a process similar to donating plasma.

MYTH: Donating marrow is dangerous and weakens the donor.
FACT: Though no medical procedure is without risk, there are rarely any long-term effects from donating. Only five percent or less of a donor’s marrow is needed to save a life. After donation, the body replaces the donated marrow within four to six weeks. The National Marrow Donor Program (NMDP), which operates the Be The Match Registry, screens all donors carefully before they donate to ensure they are healthy and the procedure is safe for them. The NMDP also educates donors, answers questions every step of the way, and follows up with donors after donation.

MYTH: Marrow donation involves a lengthy recovery process.
FACT: PBSC donors take the drug filgrastim for five days leading up to donation and may have symptoms such as headache, bone or muscle pain, nausea, insomnia or fatigue during this time. These symptoms nearly always disappear one or two days after donating, and the donor is back to normal. Marrow donors can expect to feel fatigue, some soreness or pressure in their lower back and perhaps some discomfort walking. Marrow donors can expect to be back to work, school and other activities within one to seven days. The average time for all symptoms to disappear is 21 days.

MYTH: Donors have to pay for the donation procedure.
FACT: Donors never pay for donating and are never paid to donate. All medical costs are paid by the patient’s medical insurance or by the patient, sometimes with assistance from the National Marrow Donor Program (NMDP). The NMDP, which operates the Be The Match Registry, reimburses donors for travel costs, and may reimburse other costs on a case-by-case basis. Although a donor never pays to donate, many people do pay the tissue-typing cost when they join the registry.
I am hoping by writing this someone, somewhere will read this and maybe they will go get tested. I am 22, I don't want to die. I have a beautiful little girl whom I want to see grow up and thrive, Become a wife and have children of her own. I want to be a wife, I want more children. I used to have dreams now I just dream of living one more day. I want to do so much see so much, but, I do not know if I will have the chance. Maybe this may not find me a match but there are so many others waiting. SO many people young and old die waiting. Give them hope give them the gift of life. Marrow donation is a living gift and it is one that you will never forget.