Did you ever wonder if you were inherently evil? Have you ever thought for a moment that you should no longer exist? I have these feelings so often it scares me. I keep being told so many reasons, but none of them sound plausible. I keep wondering why I am wired the way I am. I mean my family, they are perfect. Not a shred of any of my weirder tendencies. My grandparents on both sides exemplary citizend. My mother's parents survived the holocaust. My Father' survived so many things in Israel itself. My parents, have seen so many hard times yet they continue on. They survive they look and seem perfect in every way. My father ever the business man perfectly dressed, perfect in his ability to know when and what to say. My mother always at his side. The perfect wife and homemaker a philanthropist in her own right. I just don't seem to get it I can't comprehend, how someone as fucked up as I am ended up part of such a strong family. I am the weakling, I the escapist, I can not face life half the time because struggle and pain and I do not go well together. I want to quit. I can't do a damn thing right. I break and ruin everything, everyone I care about and love. Sometimes I truly feel most people would be better off without me. Now, I am a mother, I wonder am I going to fuck my daughter up like me? Can I break this curse that is me? Can I teach her the right things? How to be strong, courageous, independent, not to ever run from fear, but, as my father says to embrace it and allow her to become a stronger person. How can I teach something I do not know. My mind is a mess and it is not getting any better. I want to be better. I do not want to be this weak person. Sometimes it is like I am in a dark tunnel and I can not see the light. I want to see it I want to find it. A sliver of hope. Anything just to get me through. I know I can do this can win this battle, yet my subconscious tells me I can't. I am worthless it is not worth trying to save me. Maybe I will figure it out. Maybe somehow, someway there is still hope for me. That remains to be seen.
