Where to go what to do

Did you ever wonder if you were inherently evil?  Have you ever thought for a moment that you should no longer exist?  I have these feelings so often it scares me.  I keep being told so many reasons, but none of them sound plausible.  I keep wondering why I am wired the way I am.  I mean my family, they are perfect.  Not a shred of any of my weirder tendencies.  My grandparents on both sides exemplary citizend.  My mother's parents survived the holocaust.  My Father' survived so many things in Israel itself.  My parents, have seen so many hard times yet they continue on.  They survive they look and seem perfect in every way. My father ever the business man perfectly dressed, perfect in his ability to know when and what to say. My mother always at his side.  The perfect wife and homemaker a philanthropist in her own right.  I just don't seem to get it I can't comprehend, how someone as fucked up as I am ended up part of such a strong family.  I am the weakling,  I the escapist, I can not face life half the time because struggle and pain and I do not go well together.  I want to quit.  I can't do a damn thing right.  I break and ruin everything, everyone I care about and love.  Sometimes I truly feel most people would be better off without me.  Now, I am a mother,  I wonder am I going to fuck my daughter up like me?  Can I break this curse that is me?  Can I teach her the right things?  How to be strong, courageous, independent, not to ever run from fear, but, as my father says to embrace it and allow her to become a stronger person. How can I teach something I do not know.  My mind is a mess and it is not getting any better.  I want to be better.  I do not want to be this weak person.  Sometimes it is like I am in a dark tunnel and I can not see the light.  I want to see it I want to find it.  A sliver of hope. Anything just to get me through.  I know I can do this can win this battle, yet my subconscious tells me I can't.  I am worthless it is not worth trying to save me.  Maybe I will figure it out.  Maybe somehow, someway there is still hope for me.  That remains to be seen.

Fear

     Sometimes I sit and wonder, am I truly meant to ever be happy?  Is my life every going to change? As far back as I can recall I was always sad.  Never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, Jewish enough.  I've tried so hard to be all those things.  It seems it all escapes me really.  Things were going well and I thought my life course had finally taken a turn for the better.  I should by now know better.  My awesome job, my wonderful opportunities to do the thing I so wanted to do, my chance to cover the olympics, all those things just came to a screeching halt.  My daughter was born so early so tiny.  I look at her and thank G-d he chose to allow her to live. Then my world crash when they told me I had leukemia. They said and easy treatment it was found so early.  Little did we know that my body would yet again deceive us all, something it seems to do quite often.  

     I am trying so hard not to get in the mindset of poor me, but sometimes it is very hard. I feel isolated and so lonely.  No one can truly understand the things that go through my mind, it is so hard to explain.  I want to be, just be the things I was supposed to be, the things that it seems keep slipping through my fingertips, I get glimpses of them, visions of hope, the veil is sometimes lifted for a moment of time, showing me the things I want, making me believe that I can have them.  Than, reality hits, the veil is again closed and I am back to where I was, alone, sad, and just losing hope.

     Hope is something I treasure, it truly is all I have right now.  Without hope, I would not fight to live, fight to be healthy.  I need that hope.  When I seek into the pits of depression, hope is the light at the end of the tunnel, it helps me climb out and continue to live.  Somedays it is harder then others to have that hope, to see it, to find it.  I see hope in my precious Leah's eyes.  It pushes me it makes me want to live.

      All I have truly wanted was to be accepted.  To be accepted by my family, to have friends, to not be so different.  I fought who I was for so long, out of fear of rejection, fear of being set apart, the fear of being different.  I always was so ashamed of being jewish.  Why?  I come from a line of very strong people, people who survived.  My grandparents, mum's mum and dad, survived the concentration camps in World War 2.  My father's parents survived the fighting in Israel.  The all found their way through.  Why I ask myself would I be ashamed of that?  Yet I was so fearful.  What was I afraid of?  The judgements of people I did not know?  Who are they?  I embraced who I am as a woman and as a Jew.  It has not been an easy path.  Living in the United States prejudice is so rampant.  Anti-semitism is like a religion.  I have been spat, kicked, stomped, ridiculed, I have had personal property and even my synagogue desecrated.  I do not understand it.  Why so much hate?  Ugh, well it looks like I went off on another tangant but, it has been one of those days.  Just needed to get it out.  As always Love & Light to all of you!!

Lost and afraid

These are the facts
Every 4 minutes someone in America is diagnosed with a blood cancer. Every 10 minutes, someone dies from it.
Leukemia is a type of cancer that develops from blood cells produced in bone marrow.
An estimated 43,000 people developed leukemia in 2010.
Lymphoma refers to blood cancer that develops in the lymphatic system.
An estimated 628,000 people were living with lymphoma in 2010.
The blood cancers leukemia, lymphoma, and myeloma make up almost 1 in 10 cancer-related deaths in America every year.
The cause of leukemia is unknown, but studies have found that risk factors include:
radiation
exposure to chemicals like formaldehyde
smoking
drugs with alkylating agents
genetic conditions such as down syndrome
Leukemia causes about 1/3 of all cancer deaths among children under 15.
The expected survival rate for the blood disease Myeloma is 39%.
Leukemia is the most common cancer in children under 2


I have Leukemia it has not responded to the traditional treatments I need a bone marrow transplant or I will not survive. I know this and it scares me I have a rare blood type which makes it that much harder to find a donor.


Here are some facts:

Myths and Facts about Bone Marrow Donation

Every year, more than 10,000 patients in the U.S. are diagnosed with life-threatening diseases such as leukemia or lymphoma, and their best or only hope of a cure is a transplant from an unrelated donor or cord blood unit. The need for transplants is increasing. Medical advances are making transplants a treatment option for more patients of all ages than ever before.

Below is information from Be the Match to clear up some common myths about bone marrow donation. To learn more about joining the Be the Match bone marrow registry, visit their website.

MYTH: Marrow donation is painful.
FACT: General or regional anesthesia is always used for this procedure. Donors feel no needle injections and no pain during the marrow donation process. Afterward, most donors feel some pain in the lower back for a few days or longer.

MYTH: All marrow donations involve surgery.
FACT: There are two ways to donate. The majority of donations do not involve surgery. The patient’s doctor most commonly requests a peripheral blood stem cell (PBSC) donation, which is non-surgical and outpatient. If the patient’s doctor requests marrow, marrow donation is a surgical procedure, usually outpatient.

MYTH: Pieces of bone are removed from the donor.
FACT: Pieces of bone are not removed from the donor. In marrow donation, only the liquid marrow found inside the bones is collected. In a PBSC donation, cells are collected from the bloodstream in a process similar to donating plasma.

MYTH: Donating marrow is dangerous and weakens the donor.
FACT: Though no medical procedure is without risk, there are rarely any long-term effects from donating. Only five percent or less of a donor’s marrow is needed to save a life. After donation, the body replaces the donated marrow within four to six weeks. The National Marrow Donor Program (NMDP), which operates the Be The Match Registry, screens all donors carefully before they donate to ensure they are healthy and the procedure is safe for them. The NMDP also educates donors, answers questions every step of the way, and follows up with donors after donation.

MYTH: Marrow donation involves a lengthy recovery process.
FACT: PBSC donors take the drug filgrastim for five days leading up to donation and may have symptoms such as headache, bone or muscle pain, nausea, insomnia or fatigue during this time. These symptoms nearly always disappear one or two days after donating, and the donor is back to normal. Marrow donors can expect to feel fatigue, some soreness or pressure in their lower back and perhaps some discomfort walking. Marrow donors can expect to be back to work, school and other activities within one to seven days. The average time for all symptoms to disappear is 21 days.

MYTH: Donors have to pay for the donation procedure.
FACT: Donors never pay for donating and are never paid to donate. All medical costs are paid by the patient’s medical insurance or by the patient, sometimes with assistance from the National Marrow Donor Program (NMDP). The NMDP, which operates the Be The Match Registry, reimburses donors for travel costs, and may reimburse other costs on a case-by-case basis. Although a donor never pays to donate, many people do pay the tissue-typing cost when they join the registry.
I am hoping by writing this someone, somewhere will read this and maybe they will go get tested. I am 22, I don't want to die. I have a beautiful little girl whom I want to see grow up and thrive, Become a wife and have children of her own. I want to be a wife, I want more children. I used to have dreams now I just dream of living one more day. I want to do so much see so much, but, I do not know if I will have the chance. Maybe this may not find me a match but there are so many others waiting. SO many people young and old die waiting. Give them hope give them the gift of life. Marrow donation is a living gift and it is one that you will never forget.

Confusion

I am so confused and frustrated.  My life is in a complete upheaval. I have no idea where I am where I am going or what I am doing.  I really truly believed people cared.  I see now how wrong I was.  It seems that when you are out of sight you are out of mind.  I struggle to stay awake.  I HAVE NO HAIR!!!!!  I feel so ugly.  I am covered in scars and I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore.  My muscle tone is gone. This is what cancer does to you.  I have a tube that goes into my stomach to feed me, not because of my bulimia or anorexia, but because I can not keep food down because of chemo and radiation.  My whole body aches,  I do not feel like a young vibrant twenty something, I feel like an old broken woman.  The Doctors keep telling me this round we will get it, I don't believe them anymore.  They told me it was caught early enough I will make a full recovery, I don't believe that either.  They say that the can not believe the first round did not work.  I can it is me we are talking about.  The pain is something I can not describe.  Maybe, I can give you a glimpse of it.  Have you ever had a broken bone? Do you have arthritis?  Think of that pain magnify it about 60-70% spread it through your entire body.  That is basically what I feel like all the time. I try so hard to put a smile on my face and just be me.  The pain medication the other drugs they give me at least gives me that option.  The depression is what kills me they have people for me to talk to but they really don't get it they have never gone through this.  They only know what they are taught.  Every obstacle scares me more and more.  Every hurdle makes me wonder will this be it?  Am I going to die?  I don't want to die.  It scares me. What is out there?  Does it hurt to die?  Why me? Why now?

My Rabbi here came to visit we had a long talk about my life and the past, things I have done, things I have been through, my suicide attempts, my eating disorder, and my constant depression.  He told me that my cancer is my punishment for disregarding G-d's law disgracing the temple of my body.  I dunno if that is true or not but it is possible.  My goodness, I have done horrific things, I took my life for granted.  I partied, had sex, drank, complete disregard for all the things I was taught growing up in Jewish society.  I think for awhile there I basically disobeyed mostly every Jewish law I had been taught. Maybe he is right maybe it is my punishment for taking the gift he gave me for granted.

I sit back at times and think of all the things I have yet to do.  I made a list of all my must sees and must do things.  Skydiving, Orbing, Old Trafford, The Pyramids (Aztec, Mayan, and Egyptian) Go back and walk in the footsteps of my ancestors in Israel, and also Germany, I want to see the Olympics (those who know me best know why), see a cricket match, float in the Dead Sea, Go to Australia and see kangaroos, Perform on a real Broadway or west end stage.  Those are just a few, most importantly I want to hold my baby girl.  I want to see her and feel her, smell her, let her know how much I love her, how hard I fought for her and how I will always love her.  I pray fervently.  It is my biggest wish.  That and to be a wife someday.  When I left home to become a University student, I never thought I would find satisfaction in anything but a career.  I knew what I wanted, I knew my goals, I had tunnel vision.  All those dreams have changed and turned, I want to be a wife and a mother more than anything right now.  I would give everything up for that.  A nice house somewhere. A loving husband and a beautiful family.  Those are my dreams now.  No more television reporting, or being a famous writer,  I embrace and value the simplest of things now.  Being thankful for every day I am given.  We never know when our time will come.  I beg for more time every day.  We all want to leave our mark, I used to think my mark would be in journalism, acting, or writing.  Now I know better my mark will be my beautiful daughter, hopefully I will be remembered for my capacity to love and forgive.  We do not forgive for others we forgive for ourselves to get over the pain and move on.  I have learned to do that.  I do not hold a grudge any longer, because, we never truly know when those we love will be gone or when we ourselves shall cease to exist.

I leave you tonight with this:

“Dreams are like the paints of a great artist. Your dreams are your paints, the world is your canvas. Believing, is the brush that converts your dreams into a masterpiece of reality.”

Trying to find meaning in life

I search beg and plead, just when I think life is taking a turn for the better, WHAM!!!!!!!!! Things go insane. I was working, happy, Leah is doing well. I became racked with pain and had to be taken to the hospital. the same crap. Tests and Bloodwork, scans and everything. Bone marrow biposies, spinal taps my body just felt like it was dying. I had a baby to care for I can't be sick. Finally the tests and stuff all led to one thing. AML. I have only shared this with a few very close friends and family. I start phase 1 of treatment on Monday Chemotherapy.  I am scared as hell.  I don't want to die at times I feel like I have been given a death sentence.  I just want to be a mum.  I want to have a normal life.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE!!!!  I have very few friends.  I am losing more and more.  I just hate the way my life is going at times.  I sit and wonder is this all my fault did I cause this.

AML is Acute myeloid leukemia, cancer basically. Basically the Doctors have told me this. Acute myeloid leukemia (AML) is cancer that starts inside bone marrow, the soft tissue inside bones that helps form blood cells. The cancer grows from cells that would normally turn into white blood cells.

Acute means the disease develops quickly.



Persons with this type of cancer have abnormal cells inside their bone marrow. The cells grow very fast, and replace healthy blood cells. The bone marrow, which helps the body fight infections, eventually stops working correctly. Persons with AML become more prone to infections and have an increased risk for bleeding as the numbers of healthy blood cells decrease.

Most of the time, a doctor cannot tell you what caused AML. However, the following things are thought to lead to some types of leukemia, including AML:
Certain chemicals (for example, benzene)
Certain chemotherapy drugs, including etoposide and drugs known as alkylating agents
Radiation
Problems with your genes may also play a role in the development of AML.
You have an increased risk for AML if you have or had any of the following:
A weakened immune system (immunosuppression) due to an organ transplant
Blood disorders, including:
Polycythemia vera
Essential thrombocythemia
Myelodysplasia (refractory anemia)
Exposure to radiation and chemicals

Th doctors feel my gaucher's disease contributed to this.  I just wish at times my body could be normal.

Treatment involves using medicines to kill the cancer cells. This is called chemotherapy. But chemotherapy kills normal cells, too. This really scares me.
Other treatments for AML may include:
Antibiotics to treat infection

Bone marrow transplant or stem cell transplant after radiation and chemotherapy

Red blood cell transfusions to fight anemia

Transfusions of platelets to control bleeding


When the signs and symptoms of AML go away, you are said to be in remission. Complete remission occurs in most patients.

With treatment, younger patients with AML tend to do better than those who develop the disease at an older age. The 5-year survival rate is much lower in older adults than younger persons. Experts say this is partly due to the fact that the body of a younger person can better tolerate strong chemotherapy medicines.

If the cancer does not come back (relapse) within 5 years of the diagnosis, you are considered permanently cured.

Complications of AML and cancer treatment include severe infections and life-threatening bleeding. Sometimes, the cancer comes back (relapses) after treatment.

Symptoms

Bleeding from the nose
Bleeding gums
Bruising
Bone pain or tenderness
Fatigue
Fever
Heavy menstrual periods
Pallor
Shortness of breath (gets worse with exercise)
Skin rash or lesion
Swollen gums (rare)
Weight loss

I have no idea where I go from here.  I pray and beg G-d for healing.  I want to better my daughter needs me I am all she has.  Now people are talking to me about wills, advance directives.  I am 22 yrs old I should not have to deal with this.  WHY?

If you are reading this, I hope you are a friend.  I need some.  I need help, to be lifted up, to be encourages, and to help me fight.  I really need this now more than ever.  

Hope

Wow it has been so long since I last wrote.  My little girl arrived very early and very tiny.  She is 2 weeks old now and growing.  There have been some scares but all in all she is doing quiet well.  She arrived early on 29 May, 2012.  They were not sure if she would even breathe, but breathe she did she let out a soft cry.  I truly believe it was to let me know that she was OK and not to worry.  She is my angel baby.  I never dreamed I could love another human being as much as I love her.  

The few days after her birth are a blur to me I couldn't see her I was in intensive care and I was bleeding.  I had a partial abruption to the placenta which was causing issues with my uterus contracting and the bleeding to stop.  The doctors tried so many things in the end they operated and saved my life, and repaired my uterus.  Will I ever have more children they tell me only time will tell.  I do hope so I would love to have more.  I want a big family like my cousins all have.  I want the family that neither set of grandparents or my parents were able to have.  I sometimes wonder if life for me would have been different if my brothers had survived.  If they had not been born with Tay-sachs.  Would I even be here?  Would my mum be happy?  Would I be the perfect Jewish daughter?  I can't sit here and wonder and think about it.  It does me no good.

Well with Leah's early arrival I was able to start my internship.  A week late but I was able to start.  I am loving it.  I spent this past weekend at the Belmont Stakes.  Horse racing is something I have always loved and is a favorite with my mummy2.  Then Saturday night and Sunday at Pocono International Raceway in Long Pond, PA for the NASCAR Pocono 400.  All I can say is it was amazing.  I mean utterly amazing.  The only thing that could have been better was having my special guy there to share it with.  I was able to go through the pit and paddock area and got to sit in the spotters box during the race.  Experience of a lifetime. I am planning on hitting Indianapolis on 7/29 Pocono again on 8/5 and Watkins Glen on 8/12.  In case you haven't noticed I love NASCAR.  I am also going to see the Jets and Eagles play preseason.  Gonna have me a healthy dose of Tebow.  

As for my job.  What can I say, it is a dream come true absolutely amazing.  Words can not describe how much I love doing what I am doing.  Being part of a nationally syndicated sports program utterly amazing.  I had the opportunity to meet Rex Ryan from the jets.  Now waiting for that Tebow moment.  OMG I think I will die if that happens it would be so awesome.  

I am still struggling with my ED.  I won't lie it is hard.  Even more so now.  Looking down at my belly with Leah not in it and seeing the flab, my boobs being larger then I feel they should be.  I am still getting treatment and still working on it.  I know I have to.  I need to be there for my daughter.  I am all she has.  I have to do this for her more than anything.  

Oh I can go on and on and on about things but I will leave you with this a favorite quote of mine

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong.  Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.  ~George Washington Carver

Living anew

The past few months I have been through hell.  I seen my world come crashing down when my ex instead of proposing, dumped me via text message, I've been sexually assaulted, got pregnant, been through horrific accusations and abuse on social networking for just trying to be me, I've seen the reemergence of my eating disorder, something I thought I truly had beaten, been through a semi quasi marriage and divorce, lost friends, went into treatment for my eating disorder, had a close friend just completely belittle me and make me feel lower than low, and now diagnosis of a genetic disorder, which was found by accident, and finally been told because of the said disorder I have an old persons disease osteoporosis, fractured my femur, cracked my knee cap, and now fractured my forearm, all from simple little trips and falls. Now, I have to give up my dream summer, My dreams, and now I am losing hope.


How can one person be expected to handle this?  What have I done to deserve this?  I have always tried to be the perfect daughter, grand-daughter, friend, student, and partner.  Why am I being punished?  I am slowly losing all faith in everything?  I am so in love deeply in love.  But, I am so afraid to admit it to loudly.  Who's to say that will not be taken away from me?  I don't think I can handle losing him. 


Chronic illness is what I hear over and over from everyone.  On the outside I look like a normal pregnant 22 yr old girl on the inside, I basically have the body of an old lady and my bones are brittle. No one gets it.  I'm anemic, my liver and spleen are enlarged, and I have bone marrow involvement.  Everyone looks at me as this girl that has everything.  Guess what!!!  I FUCKING DON'T!!!  Money can't cure me!  THERE IS NO CURE!!!  No one realizes how much this sucks.  I hear you'll be fine, you're ok, I'm so sorry.  DON'T BE SORRY!!!!  DON'T PITY ME!!!!  I want to be able to rant and scream and yell and fight.  I want someone to listen.  TO tell me how much this sucks, to be angry with me. I want my friends to ask me how I am.  To cry with me.  To just be!!!


What I want most is to be me again.  The me I was in December.  I was so different then.  I had such a love for life.  Oh if you had known me then.  Some had a brief glimpse of that me.  The me before I was raped, before my pregnancy.  I love my daughter don't get me wrong.  I love her and will fight for her.  I will give my own life for her.  She is my daughter.  It just is hard somedays.  She will grow up and I am sure want to know about her dad.  I sit and think when I give birth, her birth record will read Father: UNKNOWN.  What kind of cruel joke is that.  How will I tell her about her conception.  My choice to love her and give her life.  What kind of mum will I be?  Can I be enough? Give her enough so that she will not miss that father she doesn't have?  I pray to G-d to give me the strength to make be the best mum I can be.


Christ I just ramble at times don't I but I needed to get this out I needed to just vent and rant it helps me keep it together.

The story

Right now this song hit me hard

Ups and Downs twists and turns

    It's been awhile since I last posted. Things have been a bit crazy. I am in a clinic for my eating disorder getting well or so I thought. The other day I was taken over by excruciating pain. I got a high fever and became the only way I can describe it completely out of it. I was rushed to the main hospital. Once there the blood work the tests all began. They take caution with me because I have had cardiac issues related to my eating disorder and also because I am 20 weeks pregnant so it's not just me they have to worry about. The doctor's noticed my liver and spleen were enlarged, it sent up a red flag, because I was in a Jewish medical center , they looked at my genetic testing and my amnio study. The Doctors in PA tested me for the fatal Jewish genetic disorders which BTW I woulda already been dead if I had them, but none of the other ones. Tests were ran and the diagnosis came in. The told me I had Gaucher's Disease. Now to many of you I am sure you have never heard of Gaucher's disease. So here it is in a nutshell.

Gaucher's (go-SHAYZ) disease occurs when certain harmful fatty substances accumulate to excessive levels in your liver, spleen, lungs, bone marrow and, less commonly, brain. This accumulation of fatty material in tissues interferes with how your body works and may cause organ enlargement and bone pain.

Gaucher's disease is caused by a deficiency of the enzyme glucocerebrosidase, which helps the body process the fatty substance glucocerebroside. The disease is sometimes called glucocerebrosidase deficiency.

Gaucher's disease can occur at any age. It's most common in Jewish people of Eastern and Central European descent (Ashkenazi).

Treatment for Gaucher's disease may involve enzyme replacement and other therapies.

The major types of Gaucher's disease and associated symptoms are:

Type 1
This form of the disease is the most common and generally the mildest. Type 1 accounts for about 90 percent of cases. In this form of the disease, there's usually no damage to the brain. This type can occur at any age, although it's most common in adults, with an average age of 30 at the time of diagnosis. Possible signs and symptoms of type 1 Gaucher's disease include:
Skeletal abnormalities, including thinning of your bones (osteopenia), bone pain and bone fractures
Enlarged liver (hepatomegaly) or spleen (splenomegaly), or both
A decrease in healthy red blood cells (anemia)
Excessive fatigue
A greater susceptibility to bruising, which may mean you have a low number of blood platelets (thrombocytopenia)
Yellow spots in your eyes (pingueculae)
Delayed puberty
Nosebleeds


he cause of Gaucher's disease is a deficit of the enzyme glucocerebrosidase. This enzyme normally breaks down fatty substances (lipids) called glucocerebrosides. When the enzyme is scarce, however, the fatty substances can build up in your brain and other organs, and within your bone marrow.

Gaucher's disease is passed along in an inheritance pattern called autosomal recessive. Both parents must be carriers of a Gaucher's genetic mutation for their child to develop the condition. So far, researchers have noted more than 300 genetic mutations associated with Gaucher's disease. Even when both parents are carriers, there's still only a 25 percent chance that their child will develop the disease, compared with a 50 percent chance of their child being an unaffected carrier, and a 25 percent chance of his or her not being a carrier and not having the disease.



All types of Gaucher's disease tend to be progressive. Possible complications depend on the type of Gaucher's disease.

Complications of all types
Possible complications of all types of Gaucher's disease include:
Bone pain, which can become severe and may be associated with fractures.
A tendency to bleed, which may result in repeated hemorrhaging in the nostrils or nasal cavities, or bruising in the skin (ecchymosis).
An increased risk of certain cancers. Older people with Gaucher's disease may have an increased likelihood of developing certain types of cancer, particularly multiple myeloma — uncontrolled multiplication of plasma cells.


To treat type 1 or 3 Gaucher's disease, your doctor may recommend:
Enzyme replacement therapy. This approach replaces the deficient enzyme with artificial enzymes. These replacement enzymes are administered in an outpatient procedure through a vein (intravenously), typically in high doses at two-week intervals. Although results can vary, treatment is frequently effective in people with type 1 Gaucher's disease and, in some cases, type 3. In many people, enzyme replacement therapy can reduce the enlargement of the liver and spleen, help to resolve blood abnormalities and improve bone density. It's unclear whether this therapy is effective for the neurological problems of Gaucher's disease. Occasionally people experience an allergic or hypersensitivity reaction to enzyme treatment.
Bone marrow transplantation. This surgical procedure has been used for severe cases of Gaucher's disease. In this technique, blood-forming cells that have been damaged by Gaucher's are removed and replaced, which can reverse many of Gaucher's signs and symptoms. Because this is a high-risk approach, it's performed less often than is enzyme replacement therapy.
Medication. The oral medication miglustat (Zavesca) has been approved for use in people with Gaucher's disease. It appears to interfere with the production of glucocerebrosides in some people with type 1 disease. Diarrhea and weight loss are common side effects. This medication may also affect sperm production. Contraception is advised while using miglustat and for three months after stopping the drug.

Pregnancy
Although pregnancy may worsen the symptoms of Gaucher's disease, most women who have the disease can have a successful pregnancy. However, it's not clear if enzyme replacement should be continued during pregnancy.

Prognosis
People with mild cases of Gaucher's disease, particularly those who develop it in adulthood, have close to normal life expectancies. Children whose illness begins during infancy generally don't live beyond 2 years old. However, children with type 3 who live into their teens often survive for many more years.

They say when it rains it pours well I am ready for the rain to stop and the sun to start shining, I don't have very many people to count on in life and my list of friends continues to get shorter and shorter. I am not even sure who will be with me to fight this battle but I can't give up my daughter is counting on me. I am not even sure if my blog helps anyone but me, but I keep writing. It at least helps me put my thoughts down and maybe even get some kind of realization. If anyone is reading this please keep hope at this point in life it is always have to face the uncertainty of our future. 

The rules I hate these Fuckin things but I have to live by them  

1.      No 3 or 4 letter F words fat, fine, or the infamous F**k

2.      No weights, calories, or numbers

3.      No cross-talking

4.      No staff bashing

5.      Do not talk about anyone not in the room

6.      Confidentiality is key

7.      Speak in the "I" not the "we"

8.      Nothing on your lap

9.      Stay present!!!!!!!

It's been a rough week

I have had a horrific week and I don't want to write tonight so here is my feelings some of them at least in pictures

Not sure where to go or what to do

I'm 22 I have my whole life ahead of me.  These are comments I hear over and over.  "Don't let others define you". Yet, another comment thrown my way.  "why do you let people get to you?" A question I hate hearing.  


My life was always about appearances.  From the time I was a very young child I knew that others perceptions of me is what made me in this world.  Constantly reminded as a woman I needed to appear flawless, to appear beautiful, and to appear strong yet needy,  Galas, fundraisers, balls, operas, plays, they all became a part of my life.  " No one wants a fat wife" was something I was constantly reminded.  Cinch in your waist, tuck in your tummy, walk tall.  Perfection was my world.  I still suffer from that.  Yes people get to me. Why?  I do not want to fail.  I do not want to be hated.  I want to be loved and accepted.  I want to be kind, caring, and loving.  I WANT  No I NEED TO BE PERFECT!  I know it is not possible but I strive for perfection in everything I do.  I work hard to look perfect.  Diet, exercise, drink water, facial peels, Facials, you name it and apart from plastic surgery I have done it.  


My therapist recommended I write the things that have led me down this path.  The things that are leading to my struggles today.  Over and Over again it is one thing.  An obsessive need to be accepted, to belong, to be this perfect little girl whom everyone loves. To be the perfect daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend, student, girlfriend, the perfect everything.  He tells me that perfection is an unattainable goal.  I question that and say How do we know because as of yet no one has achieved perfection?  I know this deluded thinking is what got me to where I am today.  Although unhealthy my need for perfection has had benefits.  I maintained a perfect GPA through 5 years of college, I graduated 2nd in a class of over 8300 students, and I secured a coveted internship that anyone would kill for. I know it is unhealthy, I know it is not helping me to get well, but I truly suffer when people pick at me.  Some do not understand the ferocity at which their words sear me.  The pain it causes not only to my psyche but also to my body. I am the first to admit I am to trusting, to forgiving, to loyal, to caring, and to open.  I care about people.  I care how they feel.  I never purposely set out to hurt anyone.  I never intentionally mean to be cruel.  I have been attacked for so many things, I wonder how I can possibly continue to pick myself up and go on.  I am tired.  I am weak.  I can not take this anymore!!!  I feel like when I open up trust someone they eventually take that trust and turn it on me.  Use the things I confided in them and twist and warp it essentially making a mockery of me.  I have sat here thinking crying wanting to not be me, wondering why I have to endure this.  I want to be numb, I want to be cruel.  Then a small voice comes up inside of me reminding me that if I do that I will no longer be me.  I will have given into this society of droned out step ford types.  I will be no better than the emo who cuts to feel.  Those who will do anything for attention or love.  I will have given in and become exactly what I fear becoming.


So Yes, I am 22yrs old and in a little over 20 weeks I will be a mother.  I will be a single mother to a very beautiful daughter whom I chose and fought to give life to. Even when others felt I should give up I chose to continue to fight for her, for me, for us both.  


I am 22yrs old and in this short span of life I have lived through things that I do not believe many others would come out the other side of.  I am still here I am still fighting


I am 22yrs old I have my whole life ahead of me.  


I am 22yrs old I will take things, One day, One Hour, One minute, One second at a time.


I am 22yrs old I have anorexia.  A disease that has not only almost taken my life but also the life of my preborn daughter.  A disease if I choose to allow it can take over my every being, make me into something I hate, and take away everything I have worked so hard to achieve.


I am 22yrs old and today I choose not to let my eating disorder or others to define me, instead I choose to define myself.


Yes, I am sensitive, yes I worry about others, yes I tend to care to much, react to things inappropriately, but, that is who I am the person I am and the reason that those who love me love me.


Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will learn something useful. I will learn something that requires effort, thought and concentration. Just for today I will be unafraid, especially, I will not be unafraid to be happy, to enjoy what is beautiful, to love, and to believe that those I love, love me.

Here we go

I am a bit upset.  I can feel the feelings of unworthiness seeping into my soul again.  I lie here staring at the ceiling.  I don't know who I can trust anymore. I am questioning my worth as a person. I have done so much to get where I am at.  I am proud of my accomplishments. Yet, it seems that the moment I let someone in the moment I allow someone to see a bit of the real me, BAM, they have to make me an object of ridicule.  Make me feel like I am a joke.  It hurts so much more for me when I see that someone I care about even more laughs and encourages the behavior.  I really don't know anymore.  Maybe I am meant to not have friends or be happy.  I have to learn how to be strong.  I know I am in the alone.  I need to be in it to win it! Thank Goodness for my therapist.  Taking time on his day off to support me and be there for me.  I know he gets paid well to do it but sometimes he goes above and beyond for me.  I am not mental or crazy or nuts I have an eating disorder.  I am not in an institution I will be getting treated in a clinic that specializes in eating disorders to get help for me and my daughter.  There are 3 people right now I worry about me, my daughter and the wonderful man I have chosen to be in my life! I don't think I have the energy for this anymore.

Wondering why

<p>Today was a decent day. I reconnected with someone I really thought was out of my life forever. I ate gained weight. All in all good things. I now have a sinus infection lovely. Exhausted on antibiotics and feel like poop.  Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

One day One Step and one moment at a time

Just for today, I will be the best "me" I can be. There is no competition because there is only 1 "me." Just for today, I am abstinent and free from the addiction of anorexia/bulimia. Just for today, I am open to the miracles that surround me. Just for today, I will graciously accept the love and encouragement of my friends and family. Just for today, I will take care of my inner child as she has always deserved. Just for today because it is one day, one moment at a time.


This is something I am striving to do everyday. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow.  I will not allow my eating disorder to overcome me, to destroy me.  I think about it all the time, which I know is a bad thing but at the same time it helps, it keeps me grounded, it reminds where I was and where I am going.  I think about because, I cannot just skip breakfast, or lunch.  I cannot just drink water all day. smoke cigarettes.  I remind myself it is OK to eat that extra piece of food.  I have to remember not to obsess over the scale, IT's JUST A NUMBER.  These are the things I deal with everyday. Don't go to the bathroom after you eat. Diet Pills are bad. Diuretics are not good for you.  That is not fat on your thighs you are becoming stronger and healthier.  Don't exercise to much.  I just at times have to remind myself that like an alcoholic or drug addict I too have a disease of the mind that threatens to consume me and take away my life if I do not remind myself of the simplest things.  Today was a good day I ate I didn't obsess over calories, I didn't weigh myself.  I looked at myself in the mirror without disgust.  I saw my expanding belly as what it was the gift of life growing inside of me.  Today was good.  I do not know what tomorrow holds but I do know this I can face it I can win.  Anorexia is a part of me but I will not let it take over me. I will be sharing some videos on my page here and again ones that show the truth behind this disease maybe it can help you or someone you love.  If viewing from my page please remember to pause my music player it is in the circle at the bottom or view it on youtube.  Have a blessed day everyone.

mothers prayer

Baby's prayer

The hardest night of my existence

I am in a bitter battle with my heart and mind.  Eating disorders ruin everything. Depression ruins everything.  I RUIN EVERYTHING.  Why? is all I can ask myself.  WHY won't anyone see why won;t they help me help my daughter?  I destroyed my body and my mind.  I had two good things finally and one may be take away or both I don't have a clue.  I feel like if I choose one I lost the other or if I choose the other option I can still loose both.  I feel a piece of me deep down inside dying slowly.  All my dreams and wants mean nothing to me right now.  THis moment it's it .  I just feel like I am dying and no one wants to save me.  NO one wants to save HER.  Life is cruel it sucks.  The world sucks.  People suck and Ana sucks it sucks monkey balls.  My whole life everything has been out of my reach and this too stands to be taken from me Why?  Someone please just stand up for me stand up for my daughter my precious angel. Have faith in me.  I can do this I can beat this I just need someone to believe in us!!!!

A PSA MADE FOR EATING DISORDER AWARENESS
Please click the pause button on my music player on page if you want to hear the music or view in youtube 

Where to go

Loneliness and despair am I going mad or am I already there?  I feel completely alone, disjointed from the world.  I feel my mind slipping away.  Last night was bad, real bad.  I just couldn't get a grip on my emotions, I cried, screamed, I was full of rage and anger.  WHY?  Why do I allow myself to get this way?  I got sick.  It was bad.  I guess the lining of my throat is raw and irritated from the amount of vomiting I have done the past few weeks.  It hurts.  It hurts bad!  I just don't get why I do this.  I want to be like everyone else happy and free.  But words keep running over and over in my head.  FAKE!!!   SHUTUP!!!  GET OVER IT!!!!  DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!  WASTE!!!!!!!!!!  YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!  CRAZY!!!!!!! STUPID!!!!!!!  I HATE YOU!! UGLY!!!!  STUPID!!!  FAT!!!!!  Ugh over and over and over.  NO ONE CARES!!!!  WORTHLESS!!!  UNLOVABLE!!! Over and over and over.  Why can I not quiet my mind?  Why do I hear it over and over.  YOU BREAK EVERYTHING!!!!  YOU RUIN LIVES!!!!  YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!  TROUBLEMAKER!!!!  NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU!!!  YOU'LL DIE ALONE AND UNLOVED!!!  I mean these phrases go on on in my mind.  I just want them to stop!!!!  I hate feeling this way.  When is it my turn to have something go right?  When?  I just feel my world collapsing.  Slowly churning out of control I want to crawl in a hole.  Would anyone notice? Would anyone care.  I don't know anymore.  Maybe I will just shutdown for a little while and just lose myself in my madness.  That is truly what it is madness.  I mean what else can it truly be?  I feel like a little girl searching, searching for what I don't know but right now I feel so lost.  Today is not the best of days.  I am hoping it is better for all of you!

DYING TO BE ACCEPTED!!!

I've never looked at myself as pretty, as thin, as smart, as anything worth loving. I strive for perfection. I need to be perfect. Only upon being perfect can I truly have all the things I want. But, at what cost should this perfection occur. I want to be accepted, to be loved, to be wanted, to be needed. But what have I given up in return for these things. The accusations, the name calling the meanness I have seen from people has caused me to delve lower and lower into a stream of nothingness lower and lower into an abyss. That from which I am not sure if I can ever truly get back out of. I have lost so many things this past week. Friends people whom I trusted with my deepest darkest secrets have turned from me I can't take it anymore it is driving me mad my life is spiraling out of control into a shock wave of guilt and madness. I have things I should be thankful for and I am I truly am thankful for that but its those damn things that I have lost that continue to make me feel unworthy.

I have Anorexia my strive for perfection started at such a young age and what has it cost me. Severe mood swings, lack of energy, poor memory, brittle nails, tooth issues, bloating, constipation, dizziness, fainting, headaches, anemia, hormonal fluctuations, high risk pregnancy, bruises and most recently heart issues. At, 22 years old I have been told I am at risk for sudden cardiac death, I have had to have an internal defibrillator inserted to keep my heart beating properly. All of this because I have a massive need for perfection and massive need to belong. What is wrong with me? Can someone or something fix me?

Facts  

Anorexia nervosa is more prevalent in the age group of the 15-year-old to 23-year-old female although a younger age group is appearing at an alarming rate.
Excessive dieting and exercising can be seen in the anorexic leading to an extreme thinness in the body.
On the average it is estimated that 1% of females in their teens and early 20s develops this eating disorder.
Studies have shown that 10% to 15% will die of complications arising from anorexia nervosa.
Peer pressure and an ever-increasing emphasis of today’s model society seem to play a very real part in the development of anorexia nervosa.
People with anorexia will severely limit their dietary intake even though wanting to eat and being very hungry out of fear of becoming fat.
People suffering from anorexia, even when dramatically thin, will see a distorted image when looking in the mirror and will see a very heavy person.
A person afflicted with anorexia nervosa has erosion of the tooth’s enamel and an increased incidence of cavities.
People with anorexia can sometimes develop kidney infections and kidney failure.
Studies have shown that genetics may or may not be attributed to the development of anorexia nervosa. Researchers theorize that a genetic component will make a woman or man more prone to using this method of controlling a stressful environment or answer the need for perfectionism.
After a very small meal an anorexic will feel bloated due to extreme shrinkage of their stomach.
Studies have shown that 50% of all anorexics will suffer from bone thinning or otherwise known as osteoporosis.
A person with anorexia nervosa will often shield themselves from the outside and will avoid social gatherings due to fear of being in an “eating” situation.
An individual suffering from anorexia nervosa will often have intolerance to cold temperatures due to low body weight.
In the younger person with anorexia nervosa growth may be slowed and cause short stature.
In severe cases of anorexia nervosa hospitalization may be required.
In some cases of anorexia nervosa medication may be needed to treat underlying depression or an obsessive-compulsive disorder which thereby complicates this psychiatric illness.
Proper medical treatment involving physicians, psychiatric professionals, family and friends play an important role in the success of the person who is diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness
A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years and only 30 – 40% ever fully recover
The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate of ALL causes of death for females 15 – 24 years old.
20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems

Basically I am dying to be accepted!!!!

Facing Reality

I am forever engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth, and when I talk myself into doing so, I taste only shame. I have an eating disorder.

It is a silent battle.  I try to discuss it with my friends basically I have no family so they are it the people I go to.  I hate doing it how do I tell them how hard it is for my to struggle to pick up that fork.  The  physical pain it causes when I eat.  How I want to rip this tube out and say fuck it at times. I won't do it I know it is to help but it seems like things go so good and then boom!!!!!!!!!  Life shits on me yet again.  I just want to get it right.  I want to make someone proud.  I want someone for once in my life to be happy that I am a part of theirs. What if I'm so broken I can never do something as basic as feed myself? Do you realize how twisted that is? It amazes me sometimes that humans still exist. We're just animals, after all. And how can an animal get so removed from nature that it loses the instinct to keep itself alive?

When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you. You walk around ashamed of being yourself. You try hard to make up for the way you look, walk, feel. Decisions are agonizing because if you, the person who makes the decision, is damaged, then how can you trust what you decide? You doubt your own impulses so you become masterful at looking outside yourself for comfort. You become an expert at finding experts and programs, at striving and trying hard and then harder to change yourself, but this process only reaffirms what you already believe about yourself -- that your needs and choices cannot be trusted, and left to your own devices you are out of control.

To me it has always seemed like I was in control.  But the longer this last the longer I realize my eating disorder has me under its control.  phagophobia a fear of swallowing and cibophobia fear of food are the 2 latest terms they have labeled me with.  Wow to go to a Dr and say I have Anorexia Nervosa latest onset binging purging further complicated by phagophobia and cigophobia oh and By the way I'm also pregnant.  It is just a never spiral.  I want to be well.  I want to be whole.  Will it ever happen.  They say it doesn't happen over night but I have been fighting this battle for 7 years and the last 2 have been the years I have fought the hardest.  I am trying for myself, my daughter and my friends.  I do not want to become a statistic.  I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!

An experiment in Self

So my therapist gotta love him has given me an assignment.  It is to look at myself and tell him what I see.  It reminds me of the hazing or should say sorority rushing I did when I came to University.  Where you stand naked in the middle of the room and everyone takes turns circling your areas that need improvement.  I can tell you from experience that for someone with already a low self image it makes it even worse.  Now here I sit 5 years later doing the same thing but this time to myself.  I don't understand how it will help me but I agreed to give it a try.  
So here I sit/stand look at myself what do I see.  I see an ugly person.  Unlovable, uncaring, self centered, emotionally unavailable person.  I see every flaw in body, in my personality and in my mind.  I'm short, I have big thighs .  I don't make friends easily.  I just break everything I touch. I wish I could fix things but I am slowly learning it is better for me to just be non existent then to try anymore.  I am sitting here thinking yah that is best.  I can't do this assignment.  I can't bring myself to it.  Oh well shit happens I'll sign off now and let you all be.  My words of advice.  TRUST NO ONE!!  And does it get better right now I am thinking no!

Despair and Darkness

Me, My Story, My life.  It has never been easy to talk about "who" I am.  I have always struggled with that myself.  I am not sure why really.  I can tell you on the outside I appear to be fun-loving, courageous, strong, independent, & full of life.  They say that the outside rarely shows what is ripping someone apart on the inside, I know that is true.  On the inside I am weak, vulnerable, scarred, & ashamed.  They say words can sometimes promote healing, in writing this that is exactly what I hope to achieve.  I want to promote healing, maybe some understanding, and hope.  Hope to maybe pull someone from the utter despair and darkness where I myself have been for years, hope to move onward and upward, hope to find the inner strength to continue to survive in a broken world, and if possible the hope to live, to not succumb to the darkness.  I have at times allowed the darkness to consume me and it is a place I truly hope to help someone to never have to experience to know there is hope out there, to know that life and living are the best ways to climb out of the pit of nothingness.

So my story.  It is not all roses, sunshine, and smiles.  Actually I sometimes wonder how I ever made it as long as I have.  I am not saying I had a horrific life just one that really left me questioning and wondering what place I had in this world,  Who I was, and why I was placed on this planet.  My story may cause you to cry, my cause you anger, embarrassment and fear.  One thing I do not want is for it to cause anyone to feel sorrow for me.  This is part of who I am, who I am becoming.  You may say it is a story of a survivor, to me it is just a story of a little girl lost.

All stories have a beginning.  Hence I had a beginning on February 23rd 1990, I was born, 7lbs 4oz 19 inches kicking and screaming.  You would think that day would cause happy.  When I am told about the day of my birth most people remember disappointment, well my parents do at least, my mum and dad were hoping for a son and instead they were given a daughter.  My grandparents on both sides though were thrilled.  Little did I know the day I was born was the day my mum shut herself off from the outside world.  I never knew til recently she had 2 sons both whom died before they reached age 4 from tay-sachs disease (tay-sachs is a deadly disorder found in the Jewish community it always results in death).  My mum knew my father was disappointed because instead of a healthy strong son to carry on his name and legacy he was given a daughter, in his eyes the weaker of the 2.  So from a very young age my grandparents and nanny looked after me.  My father disappearing into his work and my mum into a world that no one not even her own child could invade.  I was sent away to private schools at the age of 8, returning for the appointed Jewish holy days, then as usual shipped back off, obtaining an education as I was told, something I should be grateful I was given a chance to do.  I don't really have many memories of my parents at those times.  My Mummy2 and Grandfather always showered my life with gifts and as much love as possible, yet it was never enough to fill the void I was seeing develop in my life, the gap no one could fill, not the gifts or the trips.  All I wanted was acceptance.  I wanted to be accepted by my parents.  I wanted them to love me.  I was told they did, I truly doubt that.  All of my friends would say I was the luckiest girl in the world.  I never understood why.  They told me I could have anything I want.  I was born into affluence and they envied me.  I on the other hand envied them.  Seeing them with their families and the love exchanged between them was amazing.  Something I never truly had from my parents. 

At 14 I was home on a visit and my mum was horrified she told me I was getting fat.  Little did I know then that this was normal, I was developing curves becoming a woman.  To her it was unacceptable.  I went back to school doubting myself and everything I put into my mouth.  I started exercising. But the weight was still there and climbing.  I became obsessive.  At 15 a few friends at school told me about gorging on food and then throwing it up you get the taste and sensation of feeling full but at the same time you don't gain weight.  I was losing control this was my way of taking back that control.  I binged and purged all the time and I had control of my weight all I would see when I looked in the mirror though is UGLY, FAT, UNLOVABLE, USELESS, me.  At 16 I couldn't deal anymore and made my first attempt sleeping powders.  Well it didn't work I got sick and sleepy and labeled crazy.  My father wanted me to attend cambridge I decided instead to do something I love I decided to go to the states for acting.

I left home at 17 to come to the United States I felt it was a fresh start for me.  I could maybe find the acceptance I was longing for maybe.  I started University still struggling with the binging and purging.  I had managed to hide that from everyone.  People would say they wish they could eat like me and stay so thin.  I would look in the mirror and laugh.  All I could see was this short, ugly, fat girl.  Not this person that was constantly being asked out not this beautiful girl the guys all seemed attracted to.  I met Andrew not long after arriving here in the states.  He asked me out.  We became very serious.  He was the first person I felt truly loved me.  I had never dated before, it was not allowed.  Here I was in a new country and I thought I had find the one person who could love me.  I was still struggling with my eating issues by this point food had become my enemy.  I was finding ways to make it look like I was eating no one ever noticed that I wasn't.  I would go from eating nothing for weeks to spending a day or two gorging to vomit it all back up.  Now today I know I suffered from Anorexia and Bulimia but at that point it was weight control.  

I was doing work in theatrical arts I felt so at home on the stage.  Acting came natural to me, probably because I had spent my whole life doing it.  It was around my 2nd year of University I found my true calling in life journalism.  I loved writing, reporting and I was good at it.  Andrew and I had a very good relationship he was loving and caring and accepted me.  I had at this point moved out of on campus living to an apartment with 2 of my best friends Jake and Nat.  I was finding it harder and harder to hide my little secret.  At 20 I passed out in a dance class when I was in the hospital is when they all found out I had an eating disorder.  It took months for me to see it and start healing.  It was also that year that I decided to finally completely give myself in my relationship with Andrew.  No there were no fireworks or earth shaking it was actually a bit comical to say the least. Guilt emerged not long after. Being Jewish I was taught sex was to be saved for marriage and here I was giving myself so easily to someone.  Our relationship was, I dunno how to say it but it was a bit one sided.  He was more interested in his video games and friends then me, but I was always there.  

Fast forward to this past year.  My life had begun spiraling out of control again.  I was struggling with my sense of self.  Not caring about anything but maintaining my perfect 4.0 average my acting and my future career.  I felt at home on the stage and in front of a camera.  Christmas was coming I do not celebrate it but to my friends and Andrew it was a very important time of year.  Andrew had been talking a lot about the future.  We would both be graduating in May.  I thought he was talking about "our future", little did I know he was talking about his, without me in it.  We had looked at rings many times,  I was so happy thinking wow, he's going to propose to me.  I was so naive and gullible.  We made plans to have a special dinner on Christmas eve I sat waiting for him when I received a text message from him "Welcome to splits ville!!! Population you!!!!" My whole world crashed and burned.  All those feelings resurface, unwanted, unloved, hated, ugly, useless.  I spiraled back into a horrible fit of darkness I began not caring anymore.  Drowning my sorrows in alcohol.  I drank and drank from Friday clear through to Sunday.  Weekdays school kept me busy I found solace in my studies.  We had taken a class in social networking, we were sitting around partying and drinking we were talking about twitter.  I was explaining how it is so easy to get on twitter and just chart chatting or tweeting as it is called and getting people to follow you.  My friend Jake challenged me,  I am not one to back down from a challenge.  I created an account followed my favorite football team and poof I saw my numbers climbing. I had over a 1000 followers in a week.  I was like wow.  Little did I realize at that time how cruel people were.  I was always sheltered from cruelty and meanness of people.  Being in American taught me alot about hate and prejudice I experienced tons of it being Jewish.  But, none of that prepared me for what I was to encounter on twitter.  It didn't help with my state of mind one bit, but I proved my point and got an A for me experiment in social networking.  I stayed on twitter I do like the friends I have made some good others not so good, but each one has taught me something about myself.  

One of the darkest times in my life, also turned into one that brought me the greatest joys.  Jake and I were taking a documentary class, we are both huge horror film fans, we decided to shoot a documentary on urban legends and their basis in reality, we chose a scary secluded cemetery at night to start filming it, but, we needed help.  Jake enlisted the help of 2 grad students.  Little did I know walking into that cemetery that night my life was about to change forever.  Like I said I don't feel like I am appealing to anyone.  I am far to trusting.  Jake and one of the grad students went to shoot some stuff I took off in the other direction with my digi cam doing a bit of scary storytelling.  I hadn't even realized the other grad student was following behind me.  I turned around and realized how far away from Jake I had gotten, we never go far from one another.  It was then that I also noticed the other grad student was right behind me.  And, that's when it happened, he grabbed me.  He whispered something in my ear and I remember crying and saying something and feeling the urge to scream, but instead I just went numb.  I shut down.  He made a comment after it happened about me enjoying it, all I could fell was horror and like I needed to get away from there and fast.  I never even told Jake I was leaving I just ran home. I scrubbed and scrubbed but I couldn't get the feeling of being dirty off my body.  I sat in the shower and cried it seems like for hours.  I wouldn't let anyone in a fog for a few days. It was so hard to face what happened. I didn't want anyone to know. I finally broke down and told someone what happened they had to coax me to tell my friends. I told them and they took me to the S.A.F.E unit.  Its a hospital that has an emergency room for rape and abuse victims in case the term is foreign to you.  The exam was horrific.  It felt like it was happening all over again.  Thankfully I never washed my clothes but other then the clothes I had no other proof of what happened.  I couldn't take the morning after pill it had been to long since the act occurred.  I truly believe I seen pity on the face of the nurse that day.  I don't ever want to be pitied. A few weeks passed and I felt like I was getting better slowly.  Getting passed it.  Then I noticed a date on the calendar. My insides shook.  I was late.  I told Nat and we went to the pharmacy I bought a box of tests.  I peed on the stick so to say and it was positive I didn't want to believe it.  How could this happen?  So I took a few more all the same answer.  I had no idea what to do. Everyone had an opinion most of my friends told me to have an abortion, I actually considered it made the appointment and all.  Then I just thought this was a life inside of me who am I to choose whether it lives or dies.  It was a baby my baby.  I know the circumstances under which I got pregnant were not ideal but how could I punish a baby that was half me for something it had no control over.  So I made the hardest decision of my life I chose life for my baby.  

Has it been easy no.  I fell hard real hard for this guy.  Listen to people who think they know so much telling me I don't know what love is but I do.  I know love is someone caring about you no matter what always being there for you, and you for them.  Feeling like there is nowhere you would rather be than with that person. I went into this deep, deep void a bottomless pit to describe it. I was spiraling lower and lower.  My baby growing inside me and this person were all that was keeping me going.  One night I couldn't take the darkness anymore so I decided to end the pain.  I snuck into the bathroom and slowly start cutting.  I felt this relief like the pain was flowing out of my body.  I didn't realize it but so was my life slowly slipping away.  My best friend found me in the bathroom and essentially saved my life.  He never left my side.  They stitched me up gave me blood and monitored me that is when things went way downhill. My father decided I could not take care of myself properly so he brought my friend from home to basically win me over and agree to marry him. But, I didn't love him I wanted to be with the person I love more then anything.  The person who I pushed away because for some reason I can not believe someone could ever love me.  I became weak I couldn't fight my dad anymore the guy I loved was telling me to do it everyone thought this was best for me.  I figured I could learn to love him. So I arrived in that pit again I knew what to do no one was home.  I removed the bandages from my arms and slowly tore the stitches out.  I won't lie it hurt like fuck. I wasn't satisfied though I wanted to make sure no one saved me this time, so I sat in the tub and took a blade to my ankles.  I figured the pain would soon be gone. I was wrong dead wrong.  Again my best friend saved me.  He just couldn't let me go he somehow got back to me.  He saved me again.  I just begged and begged to be released from the pain.  But, I got the guy I loved back he never gave up on me.  But, my father had other plans he wanted a son and he was going to get one.  He gave me the ultimatum and I was to weak to say no.  I married Elea even though every moment I was dying inside losing a piece of me.  I vowed I would make it work though no matter what.  I would finally make my father proud I will be a good wife.  I got sick real sick.  I woke up and came home to find all my clothing thrown or given away.  I was mad livid. I yelled at Elea he told me I was his wife and would not dress like a whore.  I told him I didn't. He shouted at me told me I wouldn't be pregnant with a biracial child I wouldn't have been raped if I had dressed more appropriately.  I screamed at him and he grabbed me screaming and yelling over and over about being a proper wife.  He told me a proper wife would do her wifely duties and make her husband happy instead on my wedding night I got myself sick so he would not touch me.  He pushed me against a wall and then slapped me so hard in the face several times.  The last one I felt his wedding ring break my skin at the temple of my head.  I was broke that did it I couldn't take it anymore.  I went to the S.A.F.E Unit yet again and got a protection from abuse order.  I filed for separation and now divorce.  I sit here looking at myself thinking my marriage lasted less then 7days.  I lost the one person I love more then life itself.  I am a complete failure I failed at everything in my life.  Death is no longer an option for me.  I know this.  I have to live.  I have a beautiful little girl growing inside me.  My friends love me and care for me.  I will never be perfect for my parents I am beginning to understand that. I struggle I stumble, but I get back up.  I am regaining control.  I am learning that food is not my enemy day by day I am getting stronger learning how to smile again.  I am thankful my friends saved me.  Someday I hope to feel that love I had a brief period of experiencing.  The devotion of someone  How I wish I could have been so much stronger.  I know now I have a mission.  I want to show people that you can survive and get past the bad the negative.  I want to be a beacon of hope.  My friends and I have become part of the love movement.  Raise awareness about suicide, eating disorders and self injury.  To give hope to others. My story is far from over.  I know it will not be easy everyday is still a struggle for me to live to walk on to move forward, but I know I can do it.  It is getting easier.  I have a future full of promise.  I am going to be a mother and I so want my daughter to everyday feel the love I have for her.  I want to raise her to become a strong woman.  So my story shall continue and I will share it the good, the bad, the ugly.  In hopes that it may save someone else.  Give someone else the strength to push on.  If all I help is one person with this than all I have been through will have some worth.  Remember you are worth it!!!!!!!!!