So many people can not fathom what it is like to be in the hospital for an extended period of time. Isolated, alone, scared, and depressed, treatment is one thing but actually being ill and fighting through to get your strength back, your life back, is another completely different thing. I am happy to say I am doing well. I have a minor cold, but, I am fighting along. This weekend with my daughter made me see that all the pain and suffering was worth it. She is my shining star and my reason for living. To hold her, smell her, watch her laugh and smile showed me that there is this whole wonderful, new, and exciting world waiting for me when I get out of here.
I am currently working on a business plan, something that will solidify our future. Something that will help me to succeed on my own and not rely on anyone but me. I have always been an independent person, but at the same time I have always needed someone to define who I was. I need to define myself, love myself, and take care of myself. I can't focus on the what ifs or anything other than the here and now. Getting better, being with my daughter, and making a place for us in this world. March, 10 is around the corner. I'll be out of here and knowing that I am on the road to complete recovery and for the first time in a long time I have hope. Hope for the future, Hope for my life. I can not and will not allow anyone to take that hope from me. I need to focus on me. It may sound selfish, but those words ring true. I have heard so many things, rumors, gossip, messages from friends in my time here and I was letting it eat me apart. I can not do that anymore. Some of my friends complain they don't hear from me well I am sorry but I have been healing and sick and trying to work out my own inner demons.
My therapist and I have been discussing this quite thoroughly lately and I finally get it. I can not continue to justify, or prove myself to others. I have to do what makes me happy. I have to be me, live for me, and be happy with who I am. No self doubts, no self pity, and no self hatred. Stress is not my friend right now. I know this and I have to move on from it. People may think I am a bitch and an ass, not my problem. I can not or ever will be able to help how people feel. The only thing I can do is be who I am. I can not make others happy, they can only do that themselves. I need to make me happy, that is something within my control.
If you don't see me on social networking it may be that I am busy, living. Focusing on building a solid foundation for me and my daughter. There is so much life out there for me to live, something I forgot about when I was going through so many things this past year. I stopped living, I allowed the inner demons to take control of my life. Talking things out has helped me. It showed me I can not take others feelings and place them onto myself. It takes me into a depression and causes me to judge and worry. Trust is an issue. I have to learn how to trust again. Yet, I am finding that so hard to do lately. I do not know who to trust. I don't know who is being honest with me and who is as you say blowing smoke up my ass.
So I have decided to take some time and just be me. Focus on my healing. Focus on getting stronger. Smiling more. Enjoying time with my daughter. That is what matters most right now. My time spent developing the bond I was unable to do when I was ill. Becoming a mum and learning every detail of my daughter. She is the most important thing in the world to me. Maybe this time of being me will open me up and show me who I can trust. Who are the people who honestly care, who are the ones that have been undeniably honest with me and those who just said whatever. I have lost so many friends throughout this battle. I just need to focus on the here and now and remaining positive in everything I do from here forward.
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