Life has been so busy for me. I have gotten out of the hospital, traveled to Israel, Traveled back home to England, and found myself back in the states. Currently I am in Canada with a dear friend and trying to put the pieces back together again. Sometimes you unduly put to much stock in another person. You make them almost like a superhero in your eyes and mind. You put all your focus into them, wanting them to love you, care for you, and just be there for you. Sadly it never ever seems to work out that way.
Miss Leah and I have seen many sights and are enjoying life. The truth is all things is, I lost focus, forgot who I was and where I have come from. I put my faith and trust in another person, only to have my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on. To make matters worse it feels like at times it is still being stomped on and twisted into the ground. I can't make another person happy, I am finally seeing that. They can only make themselves happy and in essence they become a better person and everyone around them feels the love and joy exuding from them and around them. I want to be like that. I can't create happiness for others but I can for myself. I can not put blind faith in another person. Every single time I do I am the one left behind struggling to figure out what it is that I did wrong and what is wrong with me.
The spiraling begins and I am out of control, finding fault in everything I do. Seeing that ugly, fat, unlovable girl in the mirror. And than it begins the cutting, the purging, the feeling lower than low.
I admit I succumbed to the cutting recently. No one really knows the extent except for those who were with me. To be honest I truly think if I had been alone, I wouldn't be here right now writing this. I felt abandoned, someone that I truly and honestly cared for broke my heart and my hopes. A person whom I had given up so much in return all I wanted was his love. I wanted a future, more children, and a loving and caring partner. I just wasn't enough. I ask myself, why do men cheat? Why do they promise you things they never intend to fulfill? Maybe some day I will find that perfect someone. But, the pain and agony of finding out no matter what you could never do enough is taxing on the soul and the mind. I became so numb that I wanted to just die, end it all right there. So as usual I gave in to the temptation and just cut. I watched the blood roll down and felt this release. It was cleansing in a way. All the bad feelings were gone and I felt something. I got scared it was bleeding bad and wouldn't stop. I guess I passed out.
My friend found me and he saved my life. I can never thank him enough for that. So I ran away and came to Canada.
Now for some good news. I love Canada it is amazing. I have to admit I love to say little slang like aboot and eh, although I am told it is funny hearing it with a British accent.
Of course all of you know my heart and soul is my precious Miss Leah. I am told she has pretty much caught up to those that are her same age. She is still on the smaller side but getting bigger every day. I love my time with her she amazes me. She makes me laugh at times I want to cry and always knows when I need a snuggle. I was truly blessed to have her given to me. Being entrusted to care and raise her has also shown me how important getting better is for me.
I am focusing on letting things happen as they will. I am no longer obsessing about being in a relationship, if it happens it happens, if not well I have Leah.
So that is my check in. I hope to be getting on and blogging more. So many things are happening in my life and I can not wait to share them all with you.
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