Trying to find meaning in life

I search beg and plead, just when I think life is taking a turn for the better, WHAM!!!!!!!!! Things go insane. I was working, happy, Leah is doing well. I became racked with pain and had to be taken to the hospital. the same crap. Tests and Bloodwork, scans and everything. Bone marrow biposies, spinal taps my body just felt like it was dying. I had a baby to care for I can't be sick. Finally the tests and stuff all led to one thing. AML. I have only shared this with a few very close friends and family. I start phase 1 of treatment on Monday Chemotherapy.  I am scared as hell.  I don't want to die at times I feel like I have been given a death sentence.  I just want to be a mum.  I want to have a normal life.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE!!!!  I have very few friends.  I am losing more and more.  I just hate the way my life is going at times.  I sit and wonder is this all my fault did I cause this.

AML is Acute myeloid leukemia, cancer basically. Basically the Doctors have told me this. Acute myeloid leukemia (AML) is cancer that starts inside bone marrow, the soft tissue inside bones that helps form blood cells. The cancer grows from cells that would normally turn into white blood cells.

Acute means the disease develops quickly.



Persons with this type of cancer have abnormal cells inside their bone marrow. The cells grow very fast, and replace healthy blood cells. The bone marrow, which helps the body fight infections, eventually stops working correctly. Persons with AML become more prone to infections and have an increased risk for bleeding as the numbers of healthy blood cells decrease.

Most of the time, a doctor cannot tell you what caused AML. However, the following things are thought to lead to some types of leukemia, including AML:
Certain chemicals (for example, benzene)
Certain chemotherapy drugs, including etoposide and drugs known as alkylating agents
Radiation
Problems with your genes may also play a role in the development of AML.
You have an increased risk for AML if you have or had any of the following:
A weakened immune system (immunosuppression) due to an organ transplant
Blood disorders, including:
Polycythemia vera
Essential thrombocythemia
Myelodysplasia (refractory anemia)
Exposure to radiation and chemicals

Th doctors feel my gaucher's disease contributed to this.  I just wish at times my body could be normal.

Treatment involves using medicines to kill the cancer cells. This is called chemotherapy. But chemotherapy kills normal cells, too. This really scares me.
Other treatments for AML may include:
Antibiotics to treat infection

Bone marrow transplant or stem cell transplant after radiation and chemotherapy

Red blood cell transfusions to fight anemia

Transfusions of platelets to control bleeding


When the signs and symptoms of AML go away, you are said to be in remission. Complete remission occurs in most patients.

With treatment, younger patients with AML tend to do better than those who develop the disease at an older age. The 5-year survival rate is much lower in older adults than younger persons. Experts say this is partly due to the fact that the body of a younger person can better tolerate strong chemotherapy medicines.

If the cancer does not come back (relapse) within 5 years of the diagnosis, you are considered permanently cured.

Complications of AML and cancer treatment include severe infections and life-threatening bleeding. Sometimes, the cancer comes back (relapses) after treatment.

Symptoms

Bleeding from the nose
Bleeding gums
Bruising
Bone pain or tenderness
Fatigue
Fever
Heavy menstrual periods
Pallor
Shortness of breath (gets worse with exercise)
Skin rash or lesion
Swollen gums (rare)
Weight loss

I have no idea where I go from here.  I pray and beg G-d for healing.  I want to better my daughter needs me I am all she has.  Now people are talking to me about wills, advance directives.  I am 22 yrs old I should not have to deal with this.  WHY?

If you are reading this, I hope you are a friend.  I need some.  I need help, to be lifted up, to be encourages, and to help me fight.  I really need this now more than ever.  

Hope

Wow it has been so long since I last wrote.  My little girl arrived very early and very tiny.  She is 2 weeks old now and growing.  There have been some scares but all in all she is doing quiet well.  She arrived early on 29 May, 2012.  They were not sure if she would even breathe, but breathe she did she let out a soft cry.  I truly believe it was to let me know that she was OK and not to worry.  She is my angel baby.  I never dreamed I could love another human being as much as I love her.  

The few days after her birth are a blur to me I couldn't see her I was in intensive care and I was bleeding.  I had a partial abruption to the placenta which was causing issues with my uterus contracting and the bleeding to stop.  The doctors tried so many things in the end they operated and saved my life, and repaired my uterus.  Will I ever have more children they tell me only time will tell.  I do hope so I would love to have more.  I want a big family like my cousins all have.  I want the family that neither set of grandparents or my parents were able to have.  I sometimes wonder if life for me would have been different if my brothers had survived.  If they had not been born with Tay-sachs.  Would I even be here?  Would my mum be happy?  Would I be the perfect Jewish daughter?  I can't sit here and wonder and think about it.  It does me no good.

Well with Leah's early arrival I was able to start my internship.  A week late but I was able to start.  I am loving it.  I spent this past weekend at the Belmont Stakes.  Horse racing is something I have always loved and is a favorite with my mummy2.  Then Saturday night and Sunday at Pocono International Raceway in Long Pond, PA for the NASCAR Pocono 400.  All I can say is it was amazing.  I mean utterly amazing.  The only thing that could have been better was having my special guy there to share it with.  I was able to go through the pit and paddock area and got to sit in the spotters box during the race.  Experience of a lifetime. I am planning on hitting Indianapolis on 7/29 Pocono again on 8/5 and Watkins Glen on 8/12.  In case you haven't noticed I love NASCAR.  I am also going to see the Jets and Eagles play preseason.  Gonna have me a healthy dose of Tebow.  

As for my job.  What can I say, it is a dream come true absolutely amazing.  Words can not describe how much I love doing what I am doing.  Being part of a nationally syndicated sports program utterly amazing.  I had the opportunity to meet Rex Ryan from the jets.  Now waiting for that Tebow moment.  OMG I think I will die if that happens it would be so awesome.  

I am still struggling with my ED.  I won't lie it is hard.  Even more so now.  Looking down at my belly with Leah not in it and seeing the flab, my boobs being larger then I feel they should be.  I am still getting treatment and still working on it.  I know I have to.  I need to be there for my daughter.  I am all she has.  I have to do this for her more than anything.  

Oh I can go on and on and on about things but I will leave you with this a favorite quote of mine

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong.  Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.  ~George Washington Carver