Living anew

The past few months I have been through hell.  I seen my world come crashing down when my ex instead of proposing, dumped me via text message, I've been sexually assaulted, got pregnant, been through horrific accusations and abuse on social networking for just trying to be me, I've seen the reemergence of my eating disorder, something I thought I truly had beaten, been through a semi quasi marriage and divorce, lost friends, went into treatment for my eating disorder, had a close friend just completely belittle me and make me feel lower than low, and now diagnosis of a genetic disorder, which was found by accident, and finally been told because of the said disorder I have an old persons disease osteoporosis, fractured my femur, cracked my knee cap, and now fractured my forearm, all from simple little trips and falls. Now, I have to give up my dream summer, My dreams, and now I am losing hope.


How can one person be expected to handle this?  What have I done to deserve this?  I have always tried to be the perfect daughter, grand-daughter, friend, student, and partner.  Why am I being punished?  I am slowly losing all faith in everything?  I am so in love deeply in love.  But, I am so afraid to admit it to loudly.  Who's to say that will not be taken away from me?  I don't think I can handle losing him. 


Chronic illness is what I hear over and over from everyone.  On the outside I look like a normal pregnant 22 yr old girl on the inside, I basically have the body of an old lady and my bones are brittle. No one gets it.  I'm anemic, my liver and spleen are enlarged, and I have bone marrow involvement.  Everyone looks at me as this girl that has everything.  Guess what!!!  I FUCKING DON'T!!!  Money can't cure me!  THERE IS NO CURE!!!  No one realizes how much this sucks.  I hear you'll be fine, you're ok, I'm so sorry.  DON'T BE SORRY!!!!  DON'T PITY ME!!!!  I want to be able to rant and scream and yell and fight.  I want someone to listen.  TO tell me how much this sucks, to be angry with me. I want my friends to ask me how I am.  To cry with me.  To just be!!!


What I want most is to be me again.  The me I was in December.  I was so different then.  I had such a love for life.  Oh if you had known me then.  Some had a brief glimpse of that me.  The me before I was raped, before my pregnancy.  I love my daughter don't get me wrong.  I love her and will fight for her.  I will give my own life for her.  She is my daughter.  It just is hard somedays.  She will grow up and I am sure want to know about her dad.  I sit and think when I give birth, her birth record will read Father: UNKNOWN.  What kind of cruel joke is that.  How will I tell her about her conception.  My choice to love her and give her life.  What kind of mum will I be?  Can I be enough? Give her enough so that she will not miss that father she doesn't have?  I pray to G-d to give me the strength to make be the best mum I can be.


Christ I just ramble at times don't I but I needed to get this out I needed to just vent and rant it helps me keep it together.