Not sure where to go or what to do

I'm 22 I have my whole life ahead of me.  These are comments I hear over and over.  "Don't let others define you". Yet, another comment thrown my way.  "why do you let people get to you?" A question I hate hearing.  


My life was always about appearances.  From the time I was a very young child I knew that others perceptions of me is what made me in this world.  Constantly reminded as a woman I needed to appear flawless, to appear beautiful, and to appear strong yet needy,  Galas, fundraisers, balls, operas, plays, they all became a part of my life.  " No one wants a fat wife" was something I was constantly reminded.  Cinch in your waist, tuck in your tummy, walk tall.  Perfection was my world.  I still suffer from that.  Yes people get to me. Why?  I do not want to fail.  I do not want to be hated.  I want to be loved and accepted.  I want to be kind, caring, and loving.  I WANT  No I NEED TO BE PERFECT!  I know it is not possible but I strive for perfection in everything I do.  I work hard to look perfect.  Diet, exercise, drink water, facial peels, Facials, you name it and apart from plastic surgery I have done it.  


My therapist recommended I write the things that have led me down this path.  The things that are leading to my struggles today.  Over and Over again it is one thing.  An obsessive need to be accepted, to belong, to be this perfect little girl whom everyone loves. To be the perfect daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend, student, girlfriend, the perfect everything.  He tells me that perfection is an unattainable goal.  I question that and say How do we know because as of yet no one has achieved perfection?  I know this deluded thinking is what got me to where I am today.  Although unhealthy my need for perfection has had benefits.  I maintained a perfect GPA through 5 years of college, I graduated 2nd in a class of over 8300 students, and I secured a coveted internship that anyone would kill for. I know it is unhealthy, I know it is not helping me to get well, but I truly suffer when people pick at me.  Some do not understand the ferocity at which their words sear me.  The pain it causes not only to my psyche but also to my body. I am the first to admit I am to trusting, to forgiving, to loyal, to caring, and to open.  I care about people.  I care how they feel.  I never purposely set out to hurt anyone.  I never intentionally mean to be cruel.  I have been attacked for so many things, I wonder how I can possibly continue to pick myself up and go on.  I am tired.  I am weak.  I can not take this anymore!!!  I feel like when I open up trust someone they eventually take that trust and turn it on me.  Use the things I confided in them and twist and warp it essentially making a mockery of me.  I have sat here thinking crying wanting to not be me, wondering why I have to endure this.  I want to be numb, I want to be cruel.  Then a small voice comes up inside of me reminding me that if I do that I will no longer be me.  I will have given into this society of droned out step ford types.  I will be no better than the emo who cuts to feel.  Those who will do anything for attention or love.  I will have given in and become exactly what I fear becoming.


So Yes, I am 22yrs old and in a little over 20 weeks I will be a mother.  I will be a single mother to a very beautiful daughter whom I chose and fought to give life to. Even when others felt I should give up I chose to continue to fight for her, for me, for us both.  


I am 22yrs old and in this short span of life I have lived through things that I do not believe many others would come out the other side of.  I am still here I am still fighting


I am 22yrs old I have my whole life ahead of me.  


I am 22yrs old I will take things, One day, One Hour, One minute, One second at a time.


I am 22yrs old I have anorexia.  A disease that has not only almost taken my life but also the life of my preborn daughter.  A disease if I choose to allow it can take over my every being, make me into something I hate, and take away everything I have worked so hard to achieve.


I am 22yrs old and today I choose not to let my eating disorder or others to define me, instead I choose to define myself.


Yes, I am sensitive, yes I worry about others, yes I tend to care to much, react to things inappropriately, but, that is who I am the person I am and the reason that those who love me love me.


Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will learn something useful. I will learn something that requires effort, thought and concentration. Just for today I will be unafraid, especially, I will not be unafraid to be happy, to enjoy what is beautiful, to love, and to believe that those I love, love me.