Facing Reality

I am forever engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth, and when I talk myself into doing so, I taste only shame. I have an eating disorder.

It is a silent battle.  I try to discuss it with my friends basically I have no family so they are it the people I go to.  I hate doing it how do I tell them how hard it is for my to struggle to pick up that fork.  The  physical pain it causes when I eat.  How I want to rip this tube out and say fuck it at times. I won't do it I know it is to help but it seems like things go so good and then boom!!!!!!!!!  Life shits on me yet again.  I just want to get it right.  I want to make someone proud.  I want someone for once in my life to be happy that I am a part of theirs. What if I'm so broken I can never do something as basic as feed myself? Do you realize how twisted that is? It amazes me sometimes that humans still exist. We're just animals, after all. And how can an animal get so removed from nature that it loses the instinct to keep itself alive?

When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you. You walk around ashamed of being yourself. You try hard to make up for the way you look, walk, feel. Decisions are agonizing because if you, the person who makes the decision, is damaged, then how can you trust what you decide? You doubt your own impulses so you become masterful at looking outside yourself for comfort. You become an expert at finding experts and programs, at striving and trying hard and then harder to change yourself, but this process only reaffirms what you already believe about yourself -- that your needs and choices cannot be trusted, and left to your own devices you are out of control.

To me it has always seemed like I was in control.  But the longer this last the longer I realize my eating disorder has me under its control.  phagophobia a fear of swallowing and cibophobia fear of food are the 2 latest terms they have labeled me with.  Wow to go to a Dr and say I have Anorexia Nervosa latest onset binging purging further complicated by phagophobia and cigophobia oh and By the way I'm also pregnant.  It is just a never spiral.  I want to be well.  I want to be whole.  Will it ever happen.  They say it doesn't happen over night but I have been fighting this battle for 7 years and the last 2 have been the years I have fought the hardest.  I am trying for myself, my daughter and my friends.  I do not want to become a statistic.  I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!!!!