Despair and Darkness

Me, My Story, My life.  It has never been easy to talk about "who" I am.  I have always struggled with that myself.  I am not sure why really.  I can tell you on the outside I appear to be fun-loving, courageous, strong, independent, & full of life.  They say that the outside rarely shows what is ripping someone apart on the inside, I know that is true.  On the inside I am weak, vulnerable, scarred, & ashamed.  They say words can sometimes promote healing, in writing this that is exactly what I hope to achieve.  I want to promote healing, maybe some understanding, and hope.  Hope to maybe pull someone from the utter despair and darkness where I myself have been for years, hope to move onward and upward, hope to find the inner strength to continue to survive in a broken world, and if possible the hope to live, to not succumb to the darkness.  I have at times allowed the darkness to consume me and it is a place I truly hope to help someone to never have to experience to know there is hope out there, to know that life and living are the best ways to climb out of the pit of nothingness.

So my story.  It is not all roses, sunshine, and smiles.  Actually I sometimes wonder how I ever made it as long as I have.  I am not saying I had a horrific life just one that really left me questioning and wondering what place I had in this world,  Who I was, and why I was placed on this planet.  My story may cause you to cry, my cause you anger, embarrassment and fear.  One thing I do not want is for it to cause anyone to feel sorrow for me.  This is part of who I am, who I am becoming.  You may say it is a story of a survivor, to me it is just a story of a little girl lost.

All stories have a beginning.  Hence I had a beginning on February 23rd 1990, I was born, 7lbs 4oz 19 inches kicking and screaming.  You would think that day would cause happy.  When I am told about the day of my birth most people remember disappointment, well my parents do at least, my mum and dad were hoping for a son and instead they were given a daughter.  My grandparents on both sides though were thrilled.  Little did I know the day I was born was the day my mum shut herself off from the outside world.  I never knew til recently she had 2 sons both whom died before they reached age 4 from tay-sachs disease (tay-sachs is a deadly disorder found in the Jewish community it always results in death).  My mum knew my father was disappointed because instead of a healthy strong son to carry on his name and legacy he was given a daughter, in his eyes the weaker of the 2.  So from a very young age my grandparents and nanny looked after me.  My father disappearing into his work and my mum into a world that no one not even her own child could invade.  I was sent away to private schools at the age of 8, returning for the appointed Jewish holy days, then as usual shipped back off, obtaining an education as I was told, something I should be grateful I was given a chance to do.  I don't really have many memories of my parents at those times.  My Mummy2 and Grandfather always showered my life with gifts and as much love as possible, yet it was never enough to fill the void I was seeing develop in my life, the gap no one could fill, not the gifts or the trips.  All I wanted was acceptance.  I wanted to be accepted by my parents.  I wanted them to love me.  I was told they did, I truly doubt that.  All of my friends would say I was the luckiest girl in the world.  I never understood why.  They told me I could have anything I want.  I was born into affluence and they envied me.  I on the other hand envied them.  Seeing them with their families and the love exchanged between them was amazing.  Something I never truly had from my parents. 

At 14 I was home on a visit and my mum was horrified she told me I was getting fat.  Little did I know then that this was normal, I was developing curves becoming a woman.  To her it was unacceptable.  I went back to school doubting myself and everything I put into my mouth.  I started exercising. But the weight was still there and climbing.  I became obsessive.  At 15 a few friends at school told me about gorging on food and then throwing it up you get the taste and sensation of feeling full but at the same time you don't gain weight.  I was losing control this was my way of taking back that control.  I binged and purged all the time and I had control of my weight all I would see when I looked in the mirror though is UGLY, FAT, UNLOVABLE, USELESS, me.  At 16 I couldn't deal anymore and made my first attempt sleeping powders.  Well it didn't work I got sick and sleepy and labeled crazy.  My father wanted me to attend cambridge I decided instead to do something I love I decided to go to the states for acting.

I left home at 17 to come to the United States I felt it was a fresh start for me.  I could maybe find the acceptance I was longing for maybe.  I started University still struggling with the binging and purging.  I had managed to hide that from everyone.  People would say they wish they could eat like me and stay so thin.  I would look in the mirror and laugh.  All I could see was this short, ugly, fat girl.  Not this person that was constantly being asked out not this beautiful girl the guys all seemed attracted to.  I met Andrew not long after arriving here in the states.  He asked me out.  We became very serious.  He was the first person I felt truly loved me.  I had never dated before, it was not allowed.  Here I was in a new country and I thought I had find the one person who could love me.  I was still struggling with my eating issues by this point food had become my enemy.  I was finding ways to make it look like I was eating no one ever noticed that I wasn't.  I would go from eating nothing for weeks to spending a day or two gorging to vomit it all back up.  Now today I know I suffered from Anorexia and Bulimia but at that point it was weight control.  

I was doing work in theatrical arts I felt so at home on the stage.  Acting came natural to me, probably because I had spent my whole life doing it.  It was around my 2nd year of University I found my true calling in life journalism.  I loved writing, reporting and I was good at it.  Andrew and I had a very good relationship he was loving and caring and accepted me.  I had at this point moved out of on campus living to an apartment with 2 of my best friends Jake and Nat.  I was finding it harder and harder to hide my little secret.  At 20 I passed out in a dance class when I was in the hospital is when they all found out I had an eating disorder.  It took months for me to see it and start healing.  It was also that year that I decided to finally completely give myself in my relationship with Andrew.  No there were no fireworks or earth shaking it was actually a bit comical to say the least. Guilt emerged not long after. Being Jewish I was taught sex was to be saved for marriage and here I was giving myself so easily to someone.  Our relationship was, I dunno how to say it but it was a bit one sided.  He was more interested in his video games and friends then me, but I was always there.  

Fast forward to this past year.  My life had begun spiraling out of control again.  I was struggling with my sense of self.  Not caring about anything but maintaining my perfect 4.0 average my acting and my future career.  I felt at home on the stage and in front of a camera.  Christmas was coming I do not celebrate it but to my friends and Andrew it was a very important time of year.  Andrew had been talking a lot about the future.  We would both be graduating in May.  I thought he was talking about "our future", little did I know he was talking about his, without me in it.  We had looked at rings many times,  I was so happy thinking wow, he's going to propose to me.  I was so naive and gullible.  We made plans to have a special dinner on Christmas eve I sat waiting for him when I received a text message from him "Welcome to splits ville!!! Population you!!!!" My whole world crashed and burned.  All those feelings resurface, unwanted, unloved, hated, ugly, useless.  I spiraled back into a horrible fit of darkness I began not caring anymore.  Drowning my sorrows in alcohol.  I drank and drank from Friday clear through to Sunday.  Weekdays school kept me busy I found solace in my studies.  We had taken a class in social networking, we were sitting around partying and drinking we were talking about twitter.  I was explaining how it is so easy to get on twitter and just chart chatting or tweeting as it is called and getting people to follow you.  My friend Jake challenged me,  I am not one to back down from a challenge.  I created an account followed my favorite football team and poof I saw my numbers climbing. I had over a 1000 followers in a week.  I was like wow.  Little did I realize at that time how cruel people were.  I was always sheltered from cruelty and meanness of people.  Being in American taught me alot about hate and prejudice I experienced tons of it being Jewish.  But, none of that prepared me for what I was to encounter on twitter.  It didn't help with my state of mind one bit, but I proved my point and got an A for me experiment in social networking.  I stayed on twitter I do like the friends I have made some good others not so good, but each one has taught me something about myself.  

One of the darkest times in my life, also turned into one that brought me the greatest joys.  Jake and I were taking a documentary class, we are both huge horror film fans, we decided to shoot a documentary on urban legends and their basis in reality, we chose a scary secluded cemetery at night to start filming it, but, we needed help.  Jake enlisted the help of 2 grad students.  Little did I know walking into that cemetery that night my life was about to change forever.  Like I said I don't feel like I am appealing to anyone.  I am far to trusting.  Jake and one of the grad students went to shoot some stuff I took off in the other direction with my digi cam doing a bit of scary storytelling.  I hadn't even realized the other grad student was following behind me.  I turned around and realized how far away from Jake I had gotten, we never go far from one another.  It was then that I also noticed the other grad student was right behind me.  And, that's when it happened, he grabbed me.  He whispered something in my ear and I remember crying and saying something and feeling the urge to scream, but instead I just went numb.  I shut down.  He made a comment after it happened about me enjoying it, all I could fell was horror and like I needed to get away from there and fast.  I never even told Jake I was leaving I just ran home. I scrubbed and scrubbed but I couldn't get the feeling of being dirty off my body.  I sat in the shower and cried it seems like for hours.  I wouldn't let anyone in a fog for a few days. It was so hard to face what happened. I didn't want anyone to know. I finally broke down and told someone what happened they had to coax me to tell my friends. I told them and they took me to the S.A.F.E unit.  Its a hospital that has an emergency room for rape and abuse victims in case the term is foreign to you.  The exam was horrific.  It felt like it was happening all over again.  Thankfully I never washed my clothes but other then the clothes I had no other proof of what happened.  I couldn't take the morning after pill it had been to long since the act occurred.  I truly believe I seen pity on the face of the nurse that day.  I don't ever want to be pitied. A few weeks passed and I felt like I was getting better slowly.  Getting passed it.  Then I noticed a date on the calendar. My insides shook.  I was late.  I told Nat and we went to the pharmacy I bought a box of tests.  I peed on the stick so to say and it was positive I didn't want to believe it.  How could this happen?  So I took a few more all the same answer.  I had no idea what to do. Everyone had an opinion most of my friends told me to have an abortion, I actually considered it made the appointment and all.  Then I just thought this was a life inside of me who am I to choose whether it lives or dies.  It was a baby my baby.  I know the circumstances under which I got pregnant were not ideal but how could I punish a baby that was half me for something it had no control over.  So I made the hardest decision of my life I chose life for my baby.  

Has it been easy no.  I fell hard real hard for this guy.  Listen to people who think they know so much telling me I don't know what love is but I do.  I know love is someone caring about you no matter what always being there for you, and you for them.  Feeling like there is nowhere you would rather be than with that person. I went into this deep, deep void a bottomless pit to describe it. I was spiraling lower and lower.  My baby growing inside me and this person were all that was keeping me going.  One night I couldn't take the darkness anymore so I decided to end the pain.  I snuck into the bathroom and slowly start cutting.  I felt this relief like the pain was flowing out of my body.  I didn't realize it but so was my life slowly slipping away.  My best friend found me in the bathroom and essentially saved my life.  He never left my side.  They stitched me up gave me blood and monitored me that is when things went way downhill. My father decided I could not take care of myself properly so he brought my friend from home to basically win me over and agree to marry him. But, I didn't love him I wanted to be with the person I love more then anything.  The person who I pushed away because for some reason I can not believe someone could ever love me.  I became weak I couldn't fight my dad anymore the guy I loved was telling me to do it everyone thought this was best for me.  I figured I could learn to love him. So I arrived in that pit again I knew what to do no one was home.  I removed the bandages from my arms and slowly tore the stitches out.  I won't lie it hurt like fuck. I wasn't satisfied though I wanted to make sure no one saved me this time, so I sat in the tub and took a blade to my ankles.  I figured the pain would soon be gone. I was wrong dead wrong.  Again my best friend saved me.  He just couldn't let me go he somehow got back to me.  He saved me again.  I just begged and begged to be released from the pain.  But, I got the guy I loved back he never gave up on me.  But, my father had other plans he wanted a son and he was going to get one.  He gave me the ultimatum and I was to weak to say no.  I married Elea even though every moment I was dying inside losing a piece of me.  I vowed I would make it work though no matter what.  I would finally make my father proud I will be a good wife.  I got sick real sick.  I woke up and came home to find all my clothing thrown or given away.  I was mad livid. I yelled at Elea he told me I was his wife and would not dress like a whore.  I told him I didn't. He shouted at me told me I wouldn't be pregnant with a biracial child I wouldn't have been raped if I had dressed more appropriately.  I screamed at him and he grabbed me screaming and yelling over and over about being a proper wife.  He told me a proper wife would do her wifely duties and make her husband happy instead on my wedding night I got myself sick so he would not touch me.  He pushed me against a wall and then slapped me so hard in the face several times.  The last one I felt his wedding ring break my skin at the temple of my head.  I was broke that did it I couldn't take it anymore.  I went to the S.A.F.E Unit yet again and got a protection from abuse order.  I filed for separation and now divorce.  I sit here looking at myself thinking my marriage lasted less then 7days.  I lost the one person I love more then life itself.  I am a complete failure I failed at everything in my life.  Death is no longer an option for me.  I know this.  I have to live.  I have a beautiful little girl growing inside me.  My friends love me and care for me.  I will never be perfect for my parents I am beginning to understand that. I struggle I stumble, but I get back up.  I am regaining control.  I am learning that food is not my enemy day by day I am getting stronger learning how to smile again.  I am thankful my friends saved me.  Someday I hope to feel that love I had a brief period of experiencing.  The devotion of someone  How I wish I could have been so much stronger.  I know now I have a mission.  I want to show people that you can survive and get past the bad the negative.  I want to be a beacon of hope.  My friends and I have become part of the love movement.  Raise awareness about suicide, eating disorders and self injury.  To give hope to others. My story is far from over.  I know it will not be easy everyday is still a struggle for me to live to walk on to move forward, but I know I can do it.  It is getting easier.  I have a future full of promise.  I am going to be a mother and I so want my daughter to everyday feel the love I have for her.  I want to raise her to become a strong woman.  So my story shall continue and I will share it the good, the bad, the ugly.  In hopes that it may save someone else.  Give someone else the strength to push on.  If all I help is one person with this than all I have been through will have some worth.  Remember you are worth it!!!!!!!!!