Fear

     Sometimes I sit and wonder, am I truly meant to ever be happy?  Is my life every going to change? As far back as I can recall I was always sad.  Never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, Jewish enough.  I've tried so hard to be all those things.  It seems it all escapes me really.  Things were going well and I thought my life course had finally taken a turn for the better.  I should by now know better.  My awesome job, my wonderful opportunities to do the thing I so wanted to do, my chance to cover the olympics, all those things just came to a screeching halt.  My daughter was born so early so tiny.  I look at her and thank G-d he chose to allow her to live. Then my world crash when they told me I had leukemia. They said and easy treatment it was found so early.  Little did we know that my body would yet again deceive us all, something it seems to do quite often.  

     I am trying so hard not to get in the mindset of poor me, but sometimes it is very hard. I feel isolated and so lonely.  No one can truly understand the things that go through my mind, it is so hard to explain.  I want to be, just be the things I was supposed to be, the things that it seems keep slipping through my fingertips, I get glimpses of them, visions of hope, the veil is sometimes lifted for a moment of time, showing me the things I want, making me believe that I can have them.  Than, reality hits, the veil is again closed and I am back to where I was, alone, sad, and just losing hope.

     Hope is something I treasure, it truly is all I have right now.  Without hope, I would not fight to live, fight to be healthy.  I need that hope.  When I seek into the pits of depression, hope is the light at the end of the tunnel, it helps me climb out and continue to live.  Somedays it is harder then others to have that hope, to see it, to find it.  I see hope in my precious Leah's eyes.  It pushes me it makes me want to live.

      All I have truly wanted was to be accepted.  To be accepted by my family, to have friends, to not be so different.  I fought who I was for so long, out of fear of rejection, fear of being set apart, the fear of being different.  I always was so ashamed of being jewish.  Why?  I come from a line of very strong people, people who survived.  My grandparents, mum's mum and dad, survived the concentration camps in World War 2.  My father's parents survived the fighting in Israel.  The all found their way through.  Why I ask myself would I be ashamed of that?  Yet I was so fearful.  What was I afraid of?  The judgements of people I did not know?  Who are they?  I embraced who I am as a woman and as a Jew.  It has not been an easy path.  Living in the United States prejudice is so rampant.  Anti-semitism is like a religion.  I have been spat, kicked, stomped, ridiculed, I have had personal property and even my synagogue desecrated.  I do not understand it.  Why so much hate?  Ugh, well it looks like I went off on another tangant but, it has been one of those days.  Just needed to get it out.  As always Love & Light to all of you!!