Where to go

Loneliness and despair am I going mad or am I already there?  I feel completely alone, disjointed from the world.  I feel my mind slipping away.  Last night was bad, real bad.  I just couldn't get a grip on my emotions, I cried, screamed, I was full of rage and anger.  WHY?  Why do I allow myself to get this way?  I got sick.  It was bad.  I guess the lining of my throat is raw and irritated from the amount of vomiting I have done the past few weeks.  It hurts.  It hurts bad!  I just don't get why I do this.  I want to be like everyone else happy and free.  But words keep running over and over in my head.  FAKE!!!   SHUTUP!!!  GET OVER IT!!!!  DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!!  WASTE!!!!!!!!!!  YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!  CRAZY!!!!!!! STUPID!!!!!!!  I HATE YOU!! UGLY!!!!  STUPID!!!  FAT!!!!!  Ugh over and over and over.  NO ONE CARES!!!!  WORTHLESS!!!  UNLOVABLE!!! Over and over and over.  Why can I not quiet my mind?  Why do I hear it over and over.  YOU BREAK EVERYTHING!!!!  YOU RUIN LIVES!!!!  YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!!  TROUBLEMAKER!!!!  NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU!!!  YOU'LL DIE ALONE AND UNLOVED!!!  I mean these phrases go on on in my mind.  I just want them to stop!!!!  I hate feeling this way.  When is it my turn to have something go right?  When?  I just feel my world collapsing.  Slowly churning out of control I want to crawl in a hole.  Would anyone notice? Would anyone care.  I don't know anymore.  Maybe I will just shutdown for a little while and just lose myself in my madness.  That is truly what it is madness.  I mean what else can it truly be?  I feel like a little girl searching, searching for what I don't know but right now I feel so lost.  Today is not the best of days.  I am hoping it is better for all of you!