I'm a jerk

I am.a horrible person. I hurt the one person who was always there for ne with lies and deceit. I.doubt the atonement for this sin is part of why I am sick it's my punishment. I can't take.back what I have done I can't fix things but I hope at the end of this atonement is ny death. I hope I suffer immensely for what I have done to the person who cared with no conditions ans whom I stomped on and basically broke all trust. If you're reading this he did not a thing wrong I did. My anger and jealousy cause it all. Abs I can never suffer enough. ill

Desolation

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I started the arduous task of physiotherapy. Trying to work my muscles and strength. I have atrophy from the weeks and months I've spent here wasting away. I am letting everyone down. I'm trying so hard to be there for everyone. Do the right things. It just doesn't seem to be enough. I wish I was enough. I wish people would just understand things and have faith. I just can't take it anymore. I feel torn I need to get better but when I do that I feel like I am.letting people down. Why does it have to be so hard?  I've lost some weight they said. The Dr thinks it's the stress of physio and the work I am doing. I've lost my appetite things were going so well why do they have to change. I guess no one really knows.

Does this even help

I sit and wonder why I write all my feelings out for the world to see.  Does anyone truly care?  Has this even helped a single person?  Is it worth it to keep going on like this?  Ugh my brain is a mess tonight and I just am wondering is it worth it anymore.  I don't think anyone reads this at all.  If you are out there let me know.  Maybe I will stop writing this all together.  I dunno maybe it is a worthless cause.  And no one out there could give a rat's ass.

Why????

I just don't get life sometimes.  I don't get the way my head works.  I don't get why you have to suffer to be stronger.  Why there is so much loneliness involved in our inner battles.  I just am hurting.  I am hurting so bad.  A deep down hurt.  My head is swallowed in this mass of confusion and pain and I only feel myself sinking lower and lower into a pit of despair.  I want things to be the way they are supposed to be, but it seems like things keep getting in the way.  How can I express myself to someone when I do not even know how to figure it out myself?  How can I reassure them of things?  I know what I want and I know I have a long road to achieving that.  It is so hard.  I want to be normal.  Sometimes I think disappearing would be my best option.  Than no one would have to worry about me.  No one would need to be concerned.  I want to run away.  Music, Music is my outlet it speaks to me I am sharing with you two today.  That speak to me.

Lost and scared

I am just at a loss I really don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like this whole world is out there and I am just forgotten.  Nothing seems the same anymore.  I just do not know where to go from here, what do I do.  I want to be whole, I want to be special,  I want to be the person who comes first.  No more little secrets, No more being hidden away.  My mind is this vast area where I just cant seem to make sense of anything.  My therapist tells me to let go of everything from my past.  Everything from this past year.  She thinks me just going somewhere new and starting all over on my own may be the best thing for me.  I really don't know.   Will it be.  I am not good at doing alone.  My heart is broke my hands are trembling and I just can not sort out the feelings in my head.  Maybe she is right.  Go just be me for awhile forget about everything and everyone and just be me.  She tells me I can not love or let someone love me until I love myself.  Hmmmm interesting concept.  I don't think I know how to love myself.  Is that possible.  When I look in the mirror I do not see someone worthy of love.  I see a failure, let down, disappointment and ugliness.  I just once want to see something different.  We worked some today on body image.  We took a washable marker and outlined the areas I feel need changing.  Well I was a big red road map, the only area I didn't feel needed changing was my nose.  Oh that was already I told her I had a nose job as a teen.  She told me until the red lines go how can I expect anyone to love me for me.  To truly love me the way I want.  I have to first look inside and love myself.  How do I do that?  I don't think I have ever really loved myself.  How do you start?  What if you never do?  Am I destined to become my mother in every way?  Always forlorn weeping for the children she lost instead of the one she had here?  I don't want that at all.  Is there anyway I can be fixed can I learn these things?  I need hope is it out there...

Alone

Being alone can be a good thing.  I mean I'm in a room full of people right now yet I feel utterly and completely alone. I just lay here sometimes pretending to sleep. Other times with my headphones on listening to music. They want to plan my whole life. They have it all figures out. Wish I did. I just want to disappear. Become invisible. Non existent both physically and mentally.  My depression is back. I'm gaining weight. Getting fat. I find I'm counting calories of every morsel I put in my mouth. My normal. I have this obsession with being perfect. I am far from it. I'm selfish and high maintenance.  How can I expect anyone to deal with that?  People only look at the outside no one ever looks at what's inside. I wish they would. I don't think they would see the sane things about me. They would see a scared self loathing little girl. Who is obsessed with not being exactly perfect. I want more then that but it's all I got right now. I just want things to be the way they used to be.  I know I can't go back but I want to so much.

Just thinking and wondering.

What is happiness.  Do we truly know.  Maybe somewhere, some place out there, happiness has a completely different meaning.  I am told I should be happy, yet why am I not?  I just stare out the window watching the world go by.  Is that happiness?  
I know some wonder why I haven't blogged in awhile and I am sorry.  Life got real and it hurts.  Why do we make the choices we make.  More importantly what do we do with the consequences of those choices.
I have made a lot of stupid choices in my life.  I have done and said things I totally regret.  I lost my mother and I can not remember the last time I told her I loved her before she died.  I've tested my body to the limits and still that was not enough I had to go further.  Why?  What good did it do?  It has sent me further and further into isolation, desperation, fear, denial.  I don't trust anyone.  Everyone has motives, they want money, fame, notoriety, beauty, someone to make them feel better about them.  I just can't do that anymore.  I find myself going inward much more.  Do I really want to continue.  Do I want to go on.  Why?  What is the sense of it?  My mind is my worse enemy.  Will I ever be able to be happy to truly smile again.  
I have found myself avoiding everyone more and more.  Sleep is my friend and my enemy.  When I sleep my dream are not ones I care to relive. When I am awake I just can't bear dealing with anything.  I dunno maybe it will get better, someday.  I just at this moment do not feel I deserve much of anything.  I just want to run away and hide.