Is there anyone out there.

Life just at times is a lonely place. Is there really 1 person for each of us. I  ready to find them. I strive to be perfect but always fall short. I want someone to care for me and Leah. Am I asking to much?

Strive for perfection

I want to be perfect. Maybe if I become perfect then I will be wanted and needed. I want to be loved. I've made some major mistakes over the last couple of weeks and I regret them so much. I wonder why I just can't get it right. Leah is my world she deserves a family and a father. Did I do the right thing? Should I have given her up for adoption?  I feel like I am the world's worst mother. I just want stability and love. That's the most that anyone wants. It's lonely right now. 

Lost

So I need to clear my head. I worked out for awhile. Walked and account for all my calories. Worked off more than I consumed. I may be off the radar for a bit. Ttys. 

Hopelessly forgotten

I sit here and write this and I could utterly scream.  I look at myself in the mirror and I want to throw my fists at it and smash it.  I want to just break everything.  What is wrong with me?  Why am I so unlovable, unwanted, and horrible?  Why can't I ever make anything work? I had myself sick all day.  I finally figured it out I know what to do now and how to fix it.
I was asked to report on the NFL hall of Fame Inductions.  I am excited but I look at myself in the mirror and I see every flaw.  I need to loose weight, I've let myself go and I can see the fat that is building up on my body from being lazy.  I can't go to something like that fat.  I want to be a reporter an on air personality, I can't allow myself to be lazy. I exercised today.  We spent about 3 or 4 hrs at the gym.  It felt amazing.  A total rush.  I needed that.  I can control it.  I made sure to watch the calorie burner because I needed to burn off the big breakfast I had eaten.  I think that is what had me sick.  I have been eating to much.  I am a foodie I admit it.  I love food.  Chocolate is my utter weakness beer and whiskey and even some vodka.  None of those are acceptable foods.  No wonder why I have blown up to blimp proportions.  I have been eating like a grazing cow. 
I guess depression does that to you.  Why do I let it seep in? Why do I allow it to overcome me?  I'm not the victim anymore.  I can overcome this and I will.  I vow I will lose that 10 extra pounds by August 2nd.  I need to look my best.  This is my future.  No more food. I just need to nail this to have something to say I did right.  G-d knows I can never get anything right, but this I will.  I won't be a beached whale at this ceremony.  I will look killer. 
I will not look at the past only my future.  Get thin get famous and no looking back

A flurry of confusion.

My brain is confused. I'm sad. I'm numb. And now I'm drunk. I think at times alcohol makes the pain go away. I don't know buy it makes me at least a bit giddy. I want someone to hold me. Tell me everything will be ok. Rub my head and just be with me. I want to feel a connection with someone anyone at this point. To know I exist to know I am

Worthy of a love. Fuck. I miss my mum. She may not have been very loving and caring but she had good advice. Fuck I miss her so much. Why did she have to be so selfish?  Couldn't she see I needed her? Leah needed her?  Somedays I hate her for leaving us. Other times I beg G-d for one more day. Why couldn't we be enough for her?  Why did she have to leave us?  I tried so hard to be the best for her. To show her how much she meant to me. I just wanted her happy. Why the fuck did it have to be like this. I dunno what to do anymore. My heart tells me one thing my head another. I just wish I knew what to listen to. I need my mum more than ever. 

My heart is a mush a mess and I just want to know what to do. I can't sleep and I can just cry. Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Utter confusion.

My mind is at a loss. I cared about someone who obviously doesn't feel the same for me. I'm learning to let go and move on slowly a part of me has died, but I'm hoping that someone can help revive those deadened pieces. My life has been so empty and useless at times. I would have given the world for it to work out. I know he doesn't care but deep done I do still love him and still care. I just wanted to hear him admit to the things he did and be honest with me. Instead the blame was layed upon me and my illness and my fight to sort out my emotions. Now add to that I have someone else who basically never fought for us trying to get me to see we may have a chance. Plus this whole new thing. I'm utterly confused and sad. Yet someone else I would have given the world to whom refused to acknowledge my existence with his loved ones. I want to be cherished showed off talk to an loved. I'm not asking much. 

Than there is Leah she never stops making me smile. Thank goodness she has been in my life. She gives me pure unconditional love. <3

The grimness of reality

    Life has been so busy for me.  I have gotten out of the hospital, traveled to Israel, Traveled back home to England, and found myself back in the states.  Currently I am in Canada with a dear friend and trying to put the pieces back together again. Sometimes you unduly put to much stock in another person.  You make them almost like a superhero in your eyes and mind.  You put all your focus into them, wanting them to love you, care for you, and just be there for you. Sadly it never ever seems to work out that way.
    Miss Leah and I have seen many sights and are enjoying life.  The truth is all things is, I lost focus, forgot who I was and where I have come from.  I put my faith and trust in another person, only to have my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on.  To make matters worse it feels like at times it is still being stomped on and twisted into the ground.  I can't make another person happy, I am finally seeing that.  They can only make themselves happy and in essence they become a better person and everyone around them feels the love and joy exuding from them and around them. I want to be like that.  I can't create happiness for others but I can for myself.  I can not put blind faith in another person.  Every single time I do I am the one left behind struggling to figure out what it is that I did wrong and what is wrong with me.
    The spiraling begins and I am out of control, finding fault in everything I do.  Seeing that ugly, fat, unlovable girl in the mirror.  And than it begins the cutting, the purging, the feeling lower than low.
  I admit I succumbed to the cutting recently.  No one really knows the extent except for those who were with me.  To be honest I truly think if I had been alone, I wouldn't be here right now writing this.  I felt abandoned, someone that I truly and honestly cared for broke my heart and my hopes.  A person whom I had given up so much in return all I wanted was his love.  I wanted a future, more children, and a loving and caring partner.  I just wasn't enough.  I ask myself, why do men cheat?  Why do they promise you things they never intend to fulfill? Maybe some day I will find that perfect someone.  But, the pain and agony of finding out no matter what you could never do enough is taxing on the soul and the mind. I became so numb that I wanted to just die, end it all right there.  So as usual I gave in to the temptation and just cut.  I watched the blood roll down and felt this release.  It was cleansing in a way.  All the bad feelings were gone and I felt something.  I got scared it was bleeding bad and wouldn't stop.  I guess I passed out.
    My friend found me and he saved my life.  I can never thank him enough for that.  So I ran away and came to Canada.
   Now for some good news.  I love Canada it is amazing.  I have to admit I love to say little slang like aboot and eh, although I am told it is funny hearing it with a British accent.  
    Of course all of you know my heart and soul is my precious Miss Leah.  I am told she has pretty much caught up to those that are her same age.  She is still on the smaller side but getting bigger every day.  I love my time with her she amazes me.  She makes me laugh at times I want to cry and always knows when I need a snuggle.  I was truly blessed to have her given to me.  Being entrusted to care and raise her has also shown me how important getting better is for me.
   I am focusing on letting things happen as they will.  I am no longer obsessing about being in a relationship, if it happens it happens, if not well I have Leah.  
   So that is my check in.  I hope to be getting on and blogging more.  So many things are happening in my life and I can not wait to share them all with you.