Hero

Watch "Hero Enrique Iglesias - Lyrics" on YouTube
This song amazes me.

Life! I don't understand it!

Sometimes life is utterly confusing. I just don't understand thing. I feel so much pressure to be a certain way and do certain things.  My head is in a constant state of crazy. Who am I? What do I want?  I don't know anymore.
My whole life has been the same. I open up let people in and they leave. No one ever stays. Why would the want to. I'm completely and utterly fucked up. Why did the Drs do so much to save me? The world would be such a better place without me anyhow. I'm getting tires of this lonely life. I'm sick of feeling disconnected from the world. I just want to be happy. I wish I knew how. I want someone to stay to be there for me. To know me as much as I know myself. I am just slowly slipping into the abyss and I am afraid there is no one to catch me this time. 

Taking time to be me....

So many people can not fathom what it is like to be in the hospital for an extended period of time.  Isolated, alone, scared, and depressed, treatment is one thing but actually being ill and fighting through to get your strength back, your life back, is another completely different thing.  I am happy to say I am doing well.  I have a minor cold, but, I am fighting along.  This weekend with my daughter made me see that all the pain and suffering was worth it.  She is my shining star and my reason for living.  To hold her, smell her, watch her laugh and smile showed me that there is this whole wonderful, new, and exciting world waiting for me when I get out of here.  
I am currently working on a business plan, something that will solidify our future.  Something that will help me to succeed on my own and not rely on anyone but me.  I have always been an independent person, but at the same time I have always needed someone to define who I was.  I need to define myself, love myself, and take care of myself.  I can't focus on the what ifs or anything other than the here and now.  Getting better, being with my daughter, and making a place for us in this world.  March, 10 is around the corner.  I'll be out of here and knowing that I am on the road to complete recovery and for the first time in a long time I have hope.  Hope for the future, Hope for my life.  I can not and will not allow anyone to take that hope from me.  I need to focus on me.  It may sound selfish, but those words ring true.  I have heard so many things, rumors, gossip, messages from friends in my time here and I was letting it eat me apart.  I can not do that anymore.  Some of my friends complain they don't hear from me well I am sorry but I have been healing and sick and trying to work out my own inner demons.  
My therapist and I have been discussing this quite thoroughly lately and I finally get it.  I can not continue to justify, or prove myself to others.  I have to do what makes me happy.  I have to be me, live for me, and be happy with who I am.  No self doubts, no self pity, and no self hatred.  Stress is not my friend right now.  I know this and I have to move on from it.  People may think I am a bitch and an ass, not my problem.  I can not or ever will be able to help how people feel.  The only thing I can do is be who I am.  I can not make others happy, they can only do that themselves.  I need to make me happy, that is something within my control. 
If you don't see me on social networking it may be that I am busy, living.  Focusing on building a solid foundation for me and my daughter.  There is so much life out there for me to live, something I forgot about when I was going through so many things this past year.  I stopped living, I allowed the inner demons to take control of my life.  Talking things out has helped me.  It showed me I can not take others feelings and place them onto myself.  It takes me into a depression and causes me to judge and worry.  Trust is an issue. I have to learn how to trust again.  Yet, I am finding that so hard to do lately.  I do not know who to trust.  I don't know who is being honest with me and who is as you say blowing smoke up my ass.
So I have decided to take some time and just be me.  Focus on my healing.  Focus on getting stronger.  Smiling more.  Enjoying time with my daughter.  That is what matters most right now.  My time spent developing the bond I was unable to do when I was ill.  Becoming a mum and learning every detail of my daughter.  She is the most important thing in the world to me.  Maybe this time of being me will open me up and show me who I can trust.  Who are the people who honestly care, who are the ones that have been undeniably honest with me and those who just said whatever.  I have lost so many friends throughout this battle.  I just need to focus on the here and now and remaining positive in everything I do from here forward. 

Finding the meaning in life

All of us are looking for that thing that makes us who we are.  I always thought for me it was success in all things I attempted doing.  It wasn't until this weekend I finally realized what it is for me.  Being a mother.  My little Leah makes everything better.  Her smile, her laugh, everything about her simply gives me the want to fight and push on.  To face my demons and make myself a better person. For her, I will be a better person.  I am embarking on a business venture with my father.  I am not releasing details of it yet, because it is still in the works.  It will be exciting, It will be amazing, and it will be awesome. I am so excited.  I am ready to move forward with my life.  I want to be the best mum I can be.  Everything will fall into place after that.  No more stressing about things.  No more letting people get to me.  I know I can not change overnight but I am putting everything into getting stronger and getting out of here.

Long night

My head is spinning with so many thoughts. I am a weak person I know that. I've proven it time and time again. I'm working on it. Hopefully sleep will come to me soon so this thought process stops. I want some peace. To dream. I want real dreams not nightmares. I'm obsessing and shopping. Ugh. These feelings. I thought they were gone. I am trying so hard to do the right thing. But, what is the right thing?  Is it what's right for me or for those around me?  Should I be selfish? I've done that already. It didn't work out well. Should I let it be?  I have to admit, I'm jealous and angry and hurt. Yes I scratched myself. It helped but wasn't enough. I want more. Why do I need to do this to feel relief?  It's like an addiction. No one gets it unless they have been there. I just want things to be the way they used to be. Why can't I fix this?  I hate that I let a little snotty bitch of a girl get in my head and make ne doubt things. I hate her. I don't think I have ever truly hated someone before but I hate her. It is the highest level of hate I have ever had towards another human being.  I almost lost my daughter because of her. The selfish little attention seeking part. The one who made me doubt everything. The one who in the end won.  She got what she wanted. I hope the little cunt is happy. Happy that she devastated me broke me destroyed it all. I do hope I get a front row seat when the karma bus hits her fuck let me drive it. I have a few on my list. 

Plunging

I sometimes wonder if I'm a glutton for punishment. Di sabotage myself. The nurse was just in I have a fever lovely. Just what I need. Not only that but I went out on a limb. I did something for someone and now I don't know if it was the right thing to do. Money can not ever and will not ever buy happiness. I'm watching my father sleep in the cot. It amazes me he could be in a bed yet he is here. Its a bad night. I'm second guessing and questioning myself. I hate that. Did I have alterer motives for the choices I have made. Do I set myself out to be hurt on purpose. Tonight the urge to cut is so bad. Just a few cuts.  Nothing major. Superficial scratches. Something anything to dull the pain I'm feeling. I've cried. It doesn't help. I need a release. I need to just do something I don't know what though. I've prayed. I don't like this I don't want to succumb to the urges. What do I do?  I just feel so alone.

Come back to me

Watch "Come Back To Me-David Cook" on YouTube

This song has so much meaning to me at the present time. Go check it out. Happens to be on of my favorite artists.