A flurry of confusion.

My brain is confused. I'm sad. I'm numb. And now I'm drunk. I think at times alcohol makes the pain go away. I don't know buy it makes me at least a bit giddy. I want someone to hold me. Tell me everything will be ok. Rub my head and just be with me. I want to feel a connection with someone anyone at this point. To know I exist to know I am

Worthy of a love. Fuck. I miss my mum. She may not have been very loving and caring but she had good advice. Fuck I miss her so much. Why did she have to be so selfish?  Couldn't she see I needed her? Leah needed her?  Somedays I hate her for leaving us. Other times I beg G-d for one more day. Why couldn't we be enough for her?  Why did she have to leave us?  I tried so hard to be the best for her. To show her how much she meant to me. I just wanted her happy. Why the fuck did it have to be like this. I dunno what to do anymore. My heart tells me one thing my head another. I just wish I knew what to listen to. I need my mum more than ever. 

My heart is a mush a mess and I just want to know what to do. I can't sleep and I can just cry. Maybe tomorrow will be better.