What is happiness. Do we truly know. Maybe somewhere, some place out there, happiness has a completely different meaning. I am told I should be happy, yet why am I not? I just stare out the window watching the world go by. Is that happiness?
I know some wonder why I haven't blogged in awhile and I am sorry. Life got real and it hurts. Why do we make the choices we make. More importantly what do we do with the consequences of those choices.
I have made a lot of stupid choices in my life. I have done and said things I totally regret. I lost my mother and I can not remember the last time I told her I loved her before she died. I've tested my body to the limits and still that was not enough I had to go further. Why? What good did it do? It has sent me further and further into isolation, desperation, fear, denial. I don't trust anyone. Everyone has motives, they want money, fame, notoriety, beauty, someone to make them feel better about them. I just can't do that anymore. I find myself going inward much more. Do I really want to continue. Do I want to go on. Why? What is the sense of it? My mind is my worse enemy. Will I ever be able to be happy to truly smile again.
I have found myself avoiding everyone more and more. Sleep is my friend and my enemy. When I sleep my dream are not ones I care to relive. When I am awake I just can't bear dealing with anything. I dunno maybe it will get better, someday. I just at this moment do not feel I deserve much of anything. I just want to run away and hide.
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