Alone

Being alone can be a good thing.  I mean I'm in a room full of people right now yet I feel utterly and completely alone. I just lay here sometimes pretending to sleep. Other times with my headphones on listening to music. They want to plan my whole life. They have it all figures out. Wish I did. I just want to disappear. Become invisible. Non existent both physically and mentally.  My depression is back. I'm gaining weight. Getting fat. I find I'm counting calories of every morsel I put in my mouth. My normal. I have this obsession with being perfect. I am far from it. I'm selfish and high maintenance.  How can I expect anyone to deal with that?  People only look at the outside no one ever looks at what's inside. I wish they would. I don't think they would see the sane things about me. They would see a scared self loathing little girl. Who is obsessed with not being exactly perfect. I want more then that but it's all I got right now. I just want things to be the way they used to be.  I know I can't go back but I want to so much.