Alone

Being alone can be a good thing.  I mean I'm in a room full of people right now yet I feel utterly and completely alone. I just lay here sometimes pretending to sleep. Other times with my headphones on listening to music. They want to plan my whole life. They have it all figures out. Wish I did. I just want to disappear. Become invisible. Non existent both physically and mentally.  My depression is back. I'm gaining weight. Getting fat. I find I'm counting calories of every morsel I put in my mouth. My normal. I have this obsession with being perfect. I am far from it. I'm selfish and high maintenance.  How can I expect anyone to deal with that?  People only look at the outside no one ever looks at what's inside. I wish they would. I don't think they would see the sane things about me. They would see a scared self loathing little girl. Who is obsessed with not being exactly perfect. I want more then that but it's all I got right now. I just want things to be the way they used to be.  I know I can't go back but I want to so much.

Just thinking and wondering.

What is happiness.  Do we truly know.  Maybe somewhere, some place out there, happiness has a completely different meaning.  I am told I should be happy, yet why am I not?  I just stare out the window watching the world go by.  Is that happiness?  
I know some wonder why I haven't blogged in awhile and I am sorry.  Life got real and it hurts.  Why do we make the choices we make.  More importantly what do we do with the consequences of those choices.
I have made a lot of stupid choices in my life.  I have done and said things I totally regret.  I lost my mother and I can not remember the last time I told her I loved her before she died.  I've tested my body to the limits and still that was not enough I had to go further.  Why?  What good did it do?  It has sent me further and further into isolation, desperation, fear, denial.  I don't trust anyone.  Everyone has motives, they want money, fame, notoriety, beauty, someone to make them feel better about them.  I just can't do that anymore.  I find myself going inward much more.  Do I really want to continue.  Do I want to go on.  Why?  What is the sense of it?  My mind is my worse enemy.  Will I ever be able to be happy to truly smile again.  
I have found myself avoiding everyone more and more.  Sleep is my friend and my enemy.  When I sleep my dream are not ones I care to relive. When I am awake I just can't bear dealing with anything.  I dunno maybe it will get better, someday.  I just at this moment do not feel I deserve much of anything.  I just want to run away and hide.