Confusion

I am so confused and frustrated.  My life is in a complete upheaval. I have no idea where I am where I am going or what I am doing.  I really truly believed people cared.  I see now how wrong I was.  It seems that when you are out of sight you are out of mind.  I struggle to stay awake.  I HAVE NO HAIR!!!!!  I feel so ugly.  I am covered in scars and I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore.  My muscle tone is gone. This is what cancer does to you.  I have a tube that goes into my stomach to feed me, not because of my bulimia or anorexia, but because I can not keep food down because of chemo and radiation.  My whole body aches,  I do not feel like a young vibrant twenty something, I feel like an old broken woman.  The Doctors keep telling me this round we will get it, I don't believe them anymore.  They told me it was caught early enough I will make a full recovery, I don't believe that either.  They say that the can not believe the first round did not work.  I can it is me we are talking about.  The pain is something I can not describe.  Maybe, I can give you a glimpse of it.  Have you ever had a broken bone? Do you have arthritis?  Think of that pain magnify it about 60-70% spread it through your entire body.  That is basically what I feel like all the time. I try so hard to put a smile on my face and just be me.  The pain medication the other drugs they give me at least gives me that option.  The depression is what kills me they have people for me to talk to but they really don't get it they have never gone through this.  They only know what they are taught.  Every obstacle scares me more and more.  Every hurdle makes me wonder will this be it?  Am I going to die?  I don't want to die.  It scares me. What is out there?  Does it hurt to die?  Why me? Why now?

My Rabbi here came to visit we had a long talk about my life and the past, things I have done, things I have been through, my suicide attempts, my eating disorder, and my constant depression.  He told me that my cancer is my punishment for disregarding G-d's law disgracing the temple of my body.  I dunno if that is true or not but it is possible.  My goodness, I have done horrific things, I took my life for granted.  I partied, had sex, drank, complete disregard for all the things I was taught growing up in Jewish society.  I think for awhile there I basically disobeyed mostly every Jewish law I had been taught. Maybe he is right maybe it is my punishment for taking the gift he gave me for granted.

I sit back at times and think of all the things I have yet to do.  I made a list of all my must sees and must do things.  Skydiving, Orbing, Old Trafford, The Pyramids (Aztec, Mayan, and Egyptian) Go back and walk in the footsteps of my ancestors in Israel, and also Germany, I want to see the Olympics (those who know me best know why), see a cricket match, float in the Dead Sea, Go to Australia and see kangaroos, Perform on a real Broadway or west end stage.  Those are just a few, most importantly I want to hold my baby girl.  I want to see her and feel her, smell her, let her know how much I love her, how hard I fought for her and how I will always love her.  I pray fervently.  It is my biggest wish.  That and to be a wife someday.  When I left home to become a University student, I never thought I would find satisfaction in anything but a career.  I knew what I wanted, I knew my goals, I had tunnel vision.  All those dreams have changed and turned, I want to be a wife and a mother more than anything right now.  I would give everything up for that.  A nice house somewhere. A loving husband and a beautiful family.  Those are my dreams now.  No more television reporting, or being a famous writer,  I embrace and value the simplest of things now.  Being thankful for every day I am given.  We never know when our time will come.  I beg for more time every day.  We all want to leave our mark, I used to think my mark would be in journalism, acting, or writing.  Now I know better my mark will be my beautiful daughter, hopefully I will be remembered for my capacity to love and forgive.  We do not forgive for others we forgive for ourselves to get over the pain and move on.  I have learned to do that.  I do not hold a grudge any longer, because, we never truly know when those we love will be gone or when we ourselves shall cease to exist.

I leave you tonight with this:

“Dreams are like the paints of a great artist. Your dreams are your paints, the world is your canvas. Believing, is the brush that converts your dreams into a masterpiece of reality.”